how do I get enough alone time while being married

[Crossbreed]

I start to turn Japanese.

Turning Japanese, The Vapors (1980)​

 

[AspieChris]

Men who are not on the spectrum are pretty simple. Food, sex, manhood, sleep, repeat. My guess is that he wants more than he’s getting. Absolutely not your fault!!!! But he has obviously not understood your needs and he’s trying to fulfill his own by scheduling more time with you.

It totally sucks, but here’s the cold hard truth: You either need to give him this, go to counseling, or eventually get divorced.

I’m a man on the spectrum. I think I’m a pretty nice guy, but I know (and have known) lots of guys in my life. Men are not much different than chimpanzees. Give them what they want and they will leave you alone.

I’m sure he loves you more than life itself. Maybe he’s just happy to sit on the couch with you when he doesn’t even realize that he needs more (and that ‘more’ might be something you can solve very quickly) but maybe your solution is to solve his problem first. If you can do that….. he will give you all of the time you need.

And you’ll feel like a rockstar, every time.

 

[All-Rounder]

Thank you! I talked, but he only heard "I don't want to be with you". He couldn't conceive of needing alone time and being deeply in love at the same time. Having a son made this so much worse, because I was "burdening" him with childcare. Unfortunately, he did not have any hobbies or special needs/interests, so I couldn't support him as well.

This is an emotional fear response, maybe he had trauma. Keep talking and trying to reassure him about the idea.

In his revolt, he also seems to be complaining about the already low time spent with you. Listening to someone's arguments can be giving us information about what is happening, even if it's done in a not so professional fashion.

Taking more time away, could mean to him that the relationship is going to turn cold and that it will stop. Jumping to this conclusion from 3 hours of time alone and not enough time spent together is a bit of a leap, but I understand the reasoning. If you are able to show him you are willing to work on the relationship and give him more time with you that's romantic and just "us time" and that the relationship is not going to fail but that it's going to improve for the both of you, it might change his mind and feelings about it. Talking is limited, sometimes people require facts to be able to conquer their intense fears.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I have been married, and during the whole relationship I was begging for "three hours a week" of physical alone time for recharging (by myself behind a closed door, do not disturb unless absolutely necessary). My husband did not understand this, "But you go to the gym by yourself!", etc. , and thought I was selfish and demanding. How do you guys manage this in your own relationships?

I do not know how I would stand the closeness in a relationship and I am nervous about that.
I like my own space, my own sheets, my alone time.
If I am cranky in the morning I like feeling like no one will talk or bother me.
It is hard enough to learn how to compromise without cptsd.
I like curling up in bed with books where no one can talk to me, my girly odors which I barely even have, complete silence with books.
I do not like mess or man smells.

 

[Mary Terry]

My husband and I are NTs. Each of us needs time alone. He does stuff alone in his garage man cave or the den where he watches TV programs he likes. I do stuff alone in the house or the front porch and watch TV shows I like in the master bedroom. We both are known to take short naps during the day - in separate rooms - especially now that we are getting older and our children are grown and living on their own.

We both understand that it is a fundamental human need to be alone sometimes, and it is not an issue for us.

Keep talking to your husband about your need for solitude. He eventually likely will understand and not feel immaturely insecure about it. OTOH, if he cannot understand and accept it, then seek counseling.

When we were younger, had children at home and both worked fulltime demanding jobs, I put a chalk board in the kitchen and made two columns. One for him and one for me. It took only a couple of weeks of my writing down everything I did every day and how long it took, and everything he did every day and how long it took, for comparison purposes. He got the message and began doing his share of the work, childcare, etc. Nothing worked like putting it down in writing for everyone to see.

 

[uneven]

Separate bedrooms are a must. Separate houses would be even better. I'm not kidding. I can't relationship otherwise. When I'm in the house with someone I need to be alone, either in my pillow fort or in a room with the door shut. I don't even like eating together.

Like it or leave it, but that's me.

I agree. I get

Yes, I do like to kid. But was only partially not serious.

To me humanity is divided into 2 groups. My family, pets and the rest of the world. I do not mind being around my family but they do understand I am not one to engage in continual interaction. So we spend a lot of time together, in the same room but doing our own thing. I guess the key there is we have already worked out our needs and how to deal with it. Though we do need to tweak it regulary. But if you are not family or a pet (I'll accept some one elses pet - have a soft spot for animals) and I exceed my people interaction limit I do sort of become like a deranged Samurai. If it's my space out they will go. Politely if possible, not very politely if necessary. If it is not my space out I will go.

Being in a ASD/NT marriage, communication and need for mutual understanding is very important. How you get there depends on the two involved. At one point we scheduled a regular sit down time outside the house to talk these things thru (weekly). That lasted a few years. Over time you can get better at it and not need to work on it so much.

You seem to have worked it out pretty well. Maybe if I knew and accepted myself better, I would have been more able to be super clear about my needs. I felt guilty and unlovable, so I just kept stuffing and masking. I love the weekly meetings. So clear and structured. I hate having to guess how my spouse is feeling. I also relate to animals! They are easier to read, and don't talk in words. Plus petting is so great!

 

[uneven]

Men who are not on the spectrum are pretty simple. Food, sex, manhood, sleep, repeat. My guess is that he wants more than he’s getting. Absolutely not your fault!!!! But he has obviously not understood your needs and he’s trying to fulfill his own by scheduling more time with you.

It totally sucks, but here’s the cold hard truth: You either need to give him this, go to counseling, or eventually get divorced.

I’m a man on the spectrum. I think I’m a pretty nice guy, but I know (and have known) lots of guys in my life. Men are not much different than chimpanzees. Give them what they want and they will leave you alone.

I’m sure he loves you more than life itself. Maybe he’s just happy to sit on the couch with you when he doesn’t even realize that he needs more (and that ‘more’ might be something you can solve very quickly) but maybe your solution is to solve his problem first. If you can do that….. he will give you all of the time you need.

And you’ll feel like a rockstar, every time.

hey! I'm a chimpanzee, too! I don't think that was the issue. He didn't like the "do not disturb " part. I would love to "schedule", but he hated such a formal idea. I would have loved counseling. Oh, well. Self knowledge is the best path.

 

[uneven]

My husband and I are NTs. Each of us needs time alone. He does stuff alone in his garage man cave or the den where he watches TV programs he likes. I do stuff alone in the house or the front porch and watch TV shows I like in the master bedroom. We both are known to take short naps during the day - in separate rooms - especially now that we are getting older and our children are grown and living on their own.

We both understand that it is a fundamental human need to be alone sometimes, and it is not an issue for us.

Keep talking to your husband about your need for solitude. He eventually likely will understand and not feel immaturely insecure about it. OTOH, if he cannot understand and accept it, then seek counseling.

When we were younger, had children at home and both worked fulltime demanding jobs, I put a chalk board in the kitchen and made two columns. One for him and one for me. It took only a couple of weeks of my writing down everything I did every day and how long it took, and everything he did every day and how long it took, for comparison purposes. He got the message and began doing his share of the work, childcare, etc. Nothing worked like putting it down in writing for everyone to see.

That sounds wonderful. My husband had no interest in anything besides work, chores, and vegging out. I love your shared days. Together, but apart. Providing space for each other, respectfully. I love the chalk board. I'm glad that it worked!!

 

[uneven]

This is an emotional fear response, maybe he had trauma. Keep talking and trying to reassure him about the idea.

In his revolt, he also seems to be complaining about the already low time spent with you. Listening to someone's arguments can be giving us information about what is happening, even if it's done in a not so professional fashion.

Taking more time away, could mean to him that the relationship is going to turn cold and that it will stop. Jumping to this conclusion from 3 hours of time alone and not enough time spent together is a bit of a leap, but I understand the reasoning. If you are able to show him you are willing to work on the relationship and give him more time with you that's romantic and just "us time" and that the relationship is not going to fail but that it's going to improve for the both of you, it might change his mind and feelings about it. Talking is limited, sometimes people require facts to be able to conquer their intense fears.

What a beautiful analysis. You are quite wise! I can see his point of view through what you said. I love to spend time with him romantically, physically or emotionally. Just as long as I have permission to recharge! I would be great if we could meet his needs and mine. I didn't see that he was able/willing to ask me directly about meeting his needs, even though I asked a "billion" ways. Maybe I wasn't good enough to figure them out.
He did have a cold and impoverished childhood. (His parents were homesteaders in South Dakota, and they had 4 kids as well. Everyone worked all of the time. Kids were underfoot. They were successful and built their lives, but it must have been a difficult environment for a kid.

 

[AspieChris]

Here’s a crazy idea….. open up this thread and ask him to read it. Beginning to end. It could be the conversation starter that you both need, like going to a therapist and then talking about it on the car ride home.

Don’t do it if it’s a stupid idea. And DEFINITELY don’t do it without reading it all yourself first. You have brought up some very honest and loving points that maybe he could respect if they were presented in a safe space, all at once.

Just an idea.

 

[TBRS1]

I've been married for 40 years. Eventually, we became like parts of one entity.

However, the "other part" of this entity seems to feel that being parts of a single entity means that we are the same. We're not.

When I trance out, I frequently come back to a voice saying "Are you listening to me? You never listen to me!" And she's right. I'm not listening because I zoned out on a mental side road. (note: always make sure you are facing the tv, or have an open book when zoning out).

Fortunately, I prefer living outside, my wife prefers living inside, so I can wonder in the forest when I need my daily alone time.

Sometimes an S.O. needs to be reminded (gently) that being a part of something isn't the same as being a conjoined twin. I'm pretty sure most people with a fairly good self image can grasp that, if it can be expressed in a non-confrontational way.

 

[uneven]

Here’s a crazy idea….. open up this thread and ask him to read it. Beginning to end. It could be the conversation starter that you both need, like going to a therapist and then talking about it on the car ride home.

Don’t do it if it’s a stupid idea. And DEFINITELY don’t do it without reading it all yourself first. You have brought up some very honest and loving points that maybe he could respect if they were presented in a safe space, all at once.

Just an idea.

Thank you! Unfortunately, he has no idea that I'm exploring my Aspie side, and I would be afraid to disclose that plus our marital issues. If we went to counseling, that would be the best place to do it, but he's nixed counseling.

 

[uneven]

I've been married for 40 years. Eventually, we became like parts of one entity.

However, the "other part" of this entity seems to feel that being parts of a single entity means that we are the same. We're not.

When I trance out, I frequently come back to a voice saying "Are you listening to me? You never listen to me!" And she's right. I'm not listening because I zoned out on a mental side road. (note: always make sure you are facing the tv, or have an open book when zoning out).

Fortunately, I prefer living outside, my wife prefers living inside, so I can wonder in the forest when I need my daily alone time.

Sometimes an S.O. needs to be reminded (gently) that being a part of something isn't the same as being a conjoined twin. I'm pretty sure most people with a fairly good self image can grasp that, if it can be expressed in a non-confrontational way.

Thank you so much! I love your suggestion to be watching TV or have a book if you trance out. I also like "trancing out", but I don't like it if it's involuntary, like when I'm overstimulated. Does your wife understand that you can't really control your trancing? (I can make myself stop if necessary, but it just postpones the need and makes me more irritable. ) Does she get mad when you are out in the forest "too long"? Do you ever talk about your need for alone time, or do you just make it happen? Do you worry that the alone time you take will hurt your relationship? Please excuse all the questions, but asking them is my favorite thing!!!

 

[AspieChris]

Thank you! Unfortunately, he has no idea that I'm exploring my Aspie side, and I would be afraid to disclose that plus our marital issues. If we went to counseling, that would be the best place to do it, but he's nixed counseling.

Based on the bits you mentioned before, I kind of guessed that he would be resistant to counseling.

Men are “fixers”. If the car breaks down, the wife says “what’s that noise it’s making?” and the husband says “don’t worry… I’ll take care of it”. And it makes him feel like a man when she says she doesn’t hear that noise anymore. Therapy means that someone else is fixing the problem. Worse is when the wife is the one who suggested the therapy first. It’s stupid and macho but it’s usually true.

You need something and you don’t know how to get it. If you can make it his idea to “fix” your problem, he might make that noise go away and feel like a superhero for doing it.

 

[uneven]

Based on the bits you mentioned before, I kind of guessed that he would be resistant to counseling.

Men are “fixers”. If the car breaks down, the wife says “what’s that noise it’s making?” and the husband says “don’t worry… I’ll take care of it”. And it makes him feel like a man when she says she doesn’t hear that noise anymore. Therapy means that someone else is fixing the problem. Worse is when the wife is the one who suggested the therapy first. It’s stupid and macho but it’s usually true.

You need something and you don’t know how to get it. If you can make it his idea to “fix” your problem, he might make that noise go away and feel like a superhero for doing it.

If you do decide to let him read this thread….. send me a PM and I’ll go back and delete this post.

Please, nobody respond directly to this post in case she decides to do it. Thank you all in advance.

please let people respond! I like reading the opinions, and I don't want to change this because of him!

 

[AspieChris]

please let people respond! I like reading the opinions, and I don't want to change this because of him!

please let people respond! I like reading the opinions, and I don't want to change this because of him!

I edited it.

 

[Rodafina]

Therapy means that someone else is fixing the problem

I see what you’re saying here, but it could be a helpful shift to recognize that therapy is simply a place to learn more about yourself. Each one of us is the only one that can fix our own problems.

Thinking of therapy as an outsourcing of the role of fixer is not quite true. Therapy is more like a beautiful wrench that you can add to the tool belt. No matter what, the work we must do to fix problems is our own.

Whenever we put too much pressure on another to fix things, may it be a therapist, a spouse, or a best friend, we are trying to place the problem in the wrong hands. Some women, like myself get irritated when there is a fixer around. We can each be our own fixer and make the cars quiet or the mind more content. Same would go for the OP, where the spouse cannot be the one to fix the problem of needing solitude.

 

[naotakun]

I have been married, and during the whole relationship I was begging for "three hours a week" of physical alone time for recharging (by myself behind a closed door, do not disturb unless absolutely necessary). My husband did not understand this, "But you go to the gym by yourself!", etc. , and thought I was selfish and demanding. How do you guys manage this in your own relationships?

An open and honest dialogue is helpful. If he is struggling to find a time to sit down and talk with you about your needs, maybe set a hard date in your calendar that you two both agree on to talk about things.

You can show him the examples of other autistic people who need time to recharge in order to get back to their life. It's a pretty common ask, once you look for it.

Good luck

 

[uneven]

An open and honest dialogue is helpful. If he is struggling to find a time to sit down and talk with you about your needs, maybe set a hard date in your calendar that you two both agree on to talk about things.

You can show him the examples of other autistic people who need time to recharge in order to get back to their life. It's a pretty common ask, once you look for it.

Good luck

Thank you so much! one definite win that I am getting from your understanding response is that I am not asking for something crazy, and I am not being 'selfish". It's not selfish to need to eat and to breathe.

 

[AspieChris]

I see what you’re saying here, but it could be a helpful shift to recognize that therapy is simply a place to learn more about yourself. Each one of us is the only one that can fix our own problems.

Thinking of therapy as an outsourcing of the role of fixer is not quite true. Therapy is more like a beautiful wrench that you can add to the tool belt. No matter what, the work we must do to fix problems is our own.

Whenever we put too much pressure on another to fix things, may it be a therapist, a spouse, or a best friend, we are trying to place the problem in the wrong hands. Some women, like myself get irritated when there is a fixer around. We can each be our own fixer and make the cars quiet or the mind more content. Same would go for the OP, where the spouse cannot be the one to fix the problem of needing solitude.

I once knew a man who was working on a problem with something physical in his house, like which way the bathroom door should open and how to do it. I solved the problem for him (without being asked). It was the perfect solution. He thought for a second and said he wouldn’t do it that way. When I asked why not he said “Because I didn’t think of it”. And he didn’t take my suggestion.

You’re 100% correct. Therapy works. What I meant is it’s very common for guys to be resistant to the idea of therapy because subconsciously they feel like if there’s a problem then it’s their manhood on the line if someone else needs it intervene and come up with the solution. Every married man I have ever known who’s wife suggested therapy (for any reason), has ended up going only after repeatedly saying no to it. Then they spend the next week complaining to anybody who will listen that the therapist is an idiot and that they did nothing but argue on the car ride home. And it usually makes them more determined to not do what the therapist says.

I’m definitely not speaking for all men. There are plenty of guys who need and ask for therapy. But if he said “no” once already, then I might be right.