how do I get enough alone time while being married

[uneven]

You hit the nail on the head! I do think therapy is a threat to his manhood. Another variable is that I've had lots of experience with therapy in different contexts and he has had exactly zero experience with it. oh, well.
It must have been frustrating to solve the bathroom problem and then to have your creativity dismissed!! Hopefully, you have more outlets for your skills !!

 

[Rodafina]

I once knew a man who was working on a problem with something physical in his house, like which way the bathroom door should open and how to do it. I solved the problem for him (without being asked). It was the perfect solution. He thought for a second and said he wouldn’t do it that way. When I asked why not he said “Because I didn’t think of it”. And he didn’t take my suggestion.

You’re 100% correct. Therapy works. What I meant is it’s very common for guys to be resistant to the idea of therapy because subconsciously they feel like if there’s a problem then it’s their manhood on the line if someone else needs it intervene and come up with the solution. Every married man I have ever known who’s wife suggested therapy (for any reason), has ended up going only after repeatedly saying no to it. Then they spend the next week complaining to anybody who will listen that the therapist is an idiot and that they did nothing but argue on the car ride home. And it usually makes them more determined to not do what the therapist says.

I’m definitely not speaking for all men. There are plenty of guys who need and ask for therapy. But if he said “no” once already, then I might be right.

It makes sense, what you say. This aligns with a feeling I have that it is very unfortunate that men of my generation has been raised to feel this way. There is too much on their shoulders at the end of the day.

When approaching any project, it is best to call in all supports and resources in order to complete a project in the most efficient and effective way possible. It’s a shame that for many men, and many women as well, getting help for our problems in life is seen as some sort of failure.

 

[AspieChris]

I’ll tell you all a dirty little secret about men:

The trick is to set it up in such a way that he thinks it was all his idea. And let him keep thinking it until the problem is solved by him. Then thank him for helping you and never let him know that you were pulling the strings.

The best way to get what you need is to come to him and say “I have a problem. Can you help me?” Starting with a solution only puts a man on the defensive. Aspies generally head straight towards problem solving, but that isn’t the best way to present a problem to most men.

 

[Rodafina]

@Forest Cat & @AspieChris

Makes sense. I appreciate your perspectives here.

 

[TBRS1]

Thank you so much! I love your suggestion to be watching TV or have a book if you trance out. I also like "trancing out", but I don't like it if it's involuntary, like when I'm overstimulated. Does your wife understand that you can't really control your trancing? (I can make myself stop if necessary, but it just postpones the need and makes me more irritable. ) Does she get mad when you are out in the forest "too long"? Do you ever talk about your need for alone time, or do you just make it happen? Do you worry that the alone time you take will hurt your relationship? Please excuse all the questions, but asking them is my favorite thing!!!

LOL - questions are fine!

She has some anxiety issues of her own, so if I'm gone longer than she expects, she does get worried.

I keep explaining to her about trancing out - she gets it, but still forgets (and I'm pretty sure it's sometimes she's cranky, and forgetting is intentional.

I'll be honest. Being male, I'm pretty sure, makes taking alone time easier. Males are generally kind of expected to go out to the garage, or basement, or yard. People think we're doing some kind of work, and don't suspect that we're just fiddling with the car so we can quietly listen to the radio .

 

[uneven]

It makes sense, what you say. This aligns with a feeling I have that it is very unfortunate that men of my generation has been raised to feel this way. There is too much on their shoulders at the end of the day.

When approaching any project, it is best to call in all supports and resources in order to complete a project in the most efficient and effective way possible. It’s a shame that for many men, and many women as well, getting help for our problems in life is seen as some sort of failure

LOL - questions are fine!

She has some anxiety issues of her own, so if I'm gone longer than she expects, she does get worried.

I keep explaining to her about trancing out - she gets it, but still forgets (and I'm pretty sure it's sometimes she's cranky, and forgetting is intentional.

I'll be honest. Being male, I'm pretty sure, makes taking alone time easier. Males are generally kind of expected to go out to the garage, or basement, or yard. People think we're doing some kind of work, and don't suspect that we're just fiddling with the car so we can quietly listen to the radio .

my experience is that men can go somewhere, like the garage or basement, but women's "somewhere" is usually in the main areas, like living room or kitchen. (cooking, hand crafts, etc.). I guess I could have a "sewing room" where I could pretend to sew. I hate all of that "lying", and I just want to have things honest and direct. Also, the idea of the wife telling the kids "Be quiet, your father's resting" is pretty conventional. The opposite, where the husband says "Be quiet, your mother's resting" sounds kinda bizarre!

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I have been married, and during the whole relationship I was begging for "three hours a week" of physical alone time for recharging (by myself behind a closed door, do not disturb unless absolutely necessary). My husband did not understand this, "But you go to the gym by yourself!", etc. , and thought I was selfish and demanding. How do you guys manage this in your own relationships?

communicate. I hope that isn't too blunt, but sometimes the most direct way is to just state what we need and why and insist the other person not take anything personal. It is not selfish or demanding to need a time to recharge. I also remember that awkward stage in my first relationship where I was unsure how to advocate for me needs (thanks, family life) and also unsure how to take other's needs personally (thanks, family life).

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Thank you! I talked, but he only heard "I don't want to be with you". He couldn't conceive of needing alone time and being deeply in love at the same time. Having a son made this so much worse, because I was "burdening" him with childcare. Unfortunately, he did not have any hobbies or special needs/interests, so I couldn't support him as well.

Ah, well that's frustrating too--when someone 'hears' something different than what's being said.

 

[Crossbreed]

If we went to counseling, that would be the best place to do it, but he's nixed counseling.

If he ever does agree to counseling, make sure that the counselor is autism-competent, or they will gang up on you. (An autism-competent counselor can bring your husband up to speed, too.)

 

[uneven]

If he ever does agree to counseling, make sure that the counselor is autism-competent, or they will gang up on you. (An autism-competent counselor can bring your husband up to speed, too.)

very wise advice! A "normal" extrovert would think I am weird and selfish! "Togetherness" and all of that! Of course the irony is that I am very capable of intimacy, closeness and "togetherness", but not when I need to recharge!

 

[uneven]

communicate. I hope that isn't too blunt, but sometimes the most direct way is to just state what we need and why and insist the other person not take anything personal. It is not selfish or demanding to need a time to recharge. I also remember that awkward stage in my first relationship where I was unsure how to advocate for me needs (thanks, family life) and also unsure how to take other's needs personally (thanks, family life).

This is so true, and is good advice!!! Unfortunately, I have done this. I get a cold stare. I could just go into the bedroom/den, whatever, and close the door, but my guilt and his anger/coldness ruin any peace I would get by being alone.

 

[TBRS1]

my experience is that men can go somewhere, like the garage or basement, but women's "somewhere" is usually in the main areas, like living room or kitchen. (cooking, hand crafts, etc.). I guess I could have a "sewing room" where I could pretend to sew. I hate all of that "lying", and I just want to have things honest and direct. Also, the idea of the wife telling the kids "Be quiet, your father's resting" is pretty conventional. The opposite, where the husband says "Be quiet, your mother's resting" sounds kinda bizarre!

This is generally true, but it is NOT fair.

This is a thing that can be discussed, and resolved. As others have pointed out, a good counselor can help.

Remember that it is completely fair and reasonable to ask for quiet time. Stand by that!

 

[Crossbreed]

my experience is that men can go somewhere, like the garage or basement, but women's "somewhere" is usually in the main areas, like living room or kitchen. (cooking, hand crafts, etc.). I guess I could have a "sewing room" where I could pretend to sew.

Back in the day, it was called a "boudoir."

 

[AspieChris]

Ah, well that's frustrating too--when someone 'hears' something different than what's being said.

My wife loves me, but she spent the first 20 years of our relationship “reading between the lines” whenever I said anything. I never have a hidden agenda, and there’s nothing under the surface when I speak.

Example: We’re driving down the road and we pass my favorite restaurant (the one she doesn’t like much). I say let’s get dinner, because I’m hungry. Maybe the restaurant made me think of food, but I actually don’t care where we eat. She thinks I planned our route that evening so that we would conveniently pass my favorite restaurant and I could say I’m hungry right as we’re in front of it as a way to get her to go eat there with me.

I was just hungry. I didn’t have a secret plan. And I really don’t care if we go there or anywhere else. I would have said “Look. My favorite restaurant. Can we go there and eat?” But she thought that I was lying, which made it even worse. So we fought over literally nothing when I was just trying to help her not need to worry about cooking dinner.

There’s not much that Aspies do that has a hidden meaning. But NT’s are so used to the game of ‘not saying what you mean’ that we get into trouble for nothing and have no clue why we are suddenly defending ourselves for something that didn’t even happen.

 

[AspieChris]

This is so true, and is good advice!!! Unfortunately, I have done this. I get a cold stare. I could just go into the bedroom/den, whatever, and close the door, but my guilt and his anger/coldness ruin any peace I would get by being alone.

Everything you’re saying tells me that you’re probably married to a very good guy, but he’s still a guy. And my advice about “guys” is probably dead on accurate.

Counseling only works if the counselor understands the situation AND he’s willing to actually listen. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Imagine the car ride home when he’s angry about having spent $200 and the only thing he heard was that he wasted the money and 2 hours of his day.

 

[TBRS1]

What a AspieChris says is so true.

If I say "I need some time alone," it means just that - I have a current need to be alone.

But what my wife hears is "I need to be somewhere where you are not," which actually is rude.

Good counselor will help clear that up. This is just a miscommunication based on two people not having the same frame of reference.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

My wife loves me, but she spent the first 20 years of our relationship “reading between the lines” whenever I said anything. I never have a hidden agenda, and there’s nothing under the surface when I speak.

Example: We’re driving down the road and we pass my favorite restaurant (the one she doesn’t like much). I say let’s get dinner, because I’m hungry. Maybe the restaurant made me think of food, but I actually don’t care where we eat. She thinks I planned our route that evening so that we would conveniently pass my favorite restaurant and I could say I’m hungry right as we’re in front of it as a way to get her to go eat there with me.

I was just hungry. I didn’t have a secret plan. And I really don’t care if we go there or anywhere else. I would have said “Look. My favorite restaurant. Can we go there and eat?” But she thought that I was lying, which made it even worse. So we fought over literally nothing when I was just trying to help her not need to worry about cooking dinner.

There’s not much that Aspies do that has a hidden meaning. But NT’s are so used to the game of ‘not saying what you mean’ that we get into trouble for nothing and have no clue why we are suddenly defending ourselves for something that didn’t even happen.

I'd be very frustrated in your shoes. This sounds like something rough to have had to deal with. What happened after the first 20 years?

 

[AspieChris]

I'd be very frustrated in your shoes. This sounds like something rough to have had to deal with. What happened after the first 20 years?

At some point she finally connected the dots. How could someone (me) who is so honest be so sneaky? She still struggles with it but she is finally understanding that I don’t usually put my own needs or wants before hers. And it was 10 years into our marriage before either one of us had really even heard of Asperger’s.

Fortunately for me, divorce isn’t a word that either of us have in our vocabulary. So there were a lot of fights, a lot of misunderstandings, and a lot of stress. I got lucky…. Or maybe it was a higher power that put us together.

Having a child helped too. She sees my son doing the same crap that I have always done and I think that even though it drives her crazy, it has helped her understand that neither one of us are coming from a place of selfishness.

 

[uneven]

My wife loves me, but she spent the first 20 years of our relationship “reading between the lines” whenever I said anything. I never have a hidden agenda, and there’s nothing under the surface when I speak.

Example: We’re driving down the road and we pass my favorite restaurant (the one she doesn’t like much). I say let’s get dinner, because I’m hungry. Maybe the restaurant made me think of food, but I actually don’t care where we eat. She thinks I planned our route that evening so that we would conveniently pass my favorite restaurant and I could say I’m hungry right as we’re in front of it as a way to get her to go eat there with me.

I was just hungry. I didn’t have a secret plan. And I really don’t care if we go there or anywhere else. I would have said “Look. My favorite restaurant. Can we go there and eat?” But she thought that I was lying, which made it even worse. So we fought over literally nothing when I was just trying to help her not need to worry about cooking dinner.

There’s not much that Aspies do that has a hidden meaning. But NT’s are so used to the game of ‘not saying what you mean’ that we get into trouble for nothing and have no clue why we are suddenly defending ourselves for something that didn’t even happen.

so great! I appreciate the analysis of your incident with the restaurant. I would totally like it if everyone just took everyone's statements to be clear and true without any hidden meanings. I know about the "guessing the motivation" behavior, and I have felt the need to do it so that I don't miss someone's (NTs!) unstated message. Sometimes NTs will actually drive past their favorite restaurant and "trick" or "manipulate" you into going. You are supposed to guess what they want by hints! If I miss it, I'm insensitive! Why can't people just talk, ask and respond without drama. And if you do have hurt feelings because of a misunderstanding, talk about it and clear it up.
Live more in the moment without a bunch of hidden meanings.

 

[uneven]

At some point she finally connected the dots. How could someone (me) who is so honest be so sneaky? She still struggles with it but she is finally understanding that I don’t usually put my own needs or wants before hers. And it was 10 years into our marriage before either one of us had really even heard of Asperger’s.

Fortunately for me, divorce isn’t a word that either of us have in our vocabulary. So there were a lot of fights, a lot of misunderstandings, and a lot of stress. I got lucky…. Or maybe it was a higher power that put us together.

Having a child helped too. She sees my son doing the same crap that I have always done and I think that even though it drives her crazy, it has helped her understand that neither one of us are coming from a place of selfishness.

This is excellent. My father and my son both have autistic symptoms, although no one has a formal diagnosis. This is why I'm exploring myself. I get along quite well with my son because he communicates so cleanly without hidden meanings. It has helped me to communicate more clearly, because with him I can just say what I want without any guessing or trying to figure out hidden meanings. I bet your child loves you very much because he can see himself in you!!!