how do I get enough alone time while being married

[Jonn]

how do I get enough alone time while being married​

I have the impression most on the spectrum need "space" from time to time.
There are times when I do.

 

[Hypnalis]

@uneven

my experience is that men can go somewhere, like the garage or basement, but women's "somewhere" is usually in the main areas, like living room or kitchen. (cooking, hand crafts, etc.). I guess I could have a "sewing room" where I could pretend to sew. I hate all of that "lying", and I just want to have things honest and direct. Also, the idea of the wife telling the kids "Be quiet, your father's resting" is pretty conventional. The opposite, where the husband says "Be quiet, your mother's resting" sounds kinda bizarre!

This looks like you're allowing your distant past to control your present. Experience is useful, and of course should not be discarded at random. But it's important to allow for "patching" too.

If you need downtime (a completely reasonable requirement), make it happen. Assuming kids in the picture, it will become a "boundary-style" issue: set well-defined rules, and enforce them.
Kids don't (can't) listen of course. If there's a partner in the picture, they have to do the enforcement ...

... so this will require at least one "difficult" discussion with your partner.

NB: I haven't checked back in the thread for e.g. "weaponized incompetence".
That kind of thing can be handled, but shouldn't be directly linked to a genuine need like downtime.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaponized_incompetence
NB: The concept is absolutely valid and teal. But half of that article is politicized nonsense.
Lacking competence is a real thing, as is a rational division of labor based on relative efficiency (literally a core principle of modern economics).

People refusing to learn, or refusing to perform within their abilities, as a way of shirking their duties is another matter altogether

 

[uneven]

@uneven



This looks like you're allowing your distant past to control your present. Experience is useful, and of course should not be discarded at random. But it's important to allow for "patching" too.

If you need downtime (a completely reasonable requirement), make it happen. Assuming kids in the picture, it will become a "boundary-style" issue: set well-defined rules, and enforce them.
Kids don't (can't) listen of course. If there's a partner in the picture, they have to do the enforcement ...

... so this will require at least one "difficult" discussion with your partner.

NB: I haven't checked back in the thread for e.g. "weaponized incompetence".
That kind of thing can be handled, but shouldn't be directly linked to a genuine need like downtime.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Weaponized_incompetence
NB: The concept is absolutely valid and teal. But half of that article is politicized nonsense.
Lacking competence is a real thing, as is a rational division of labor based on relative efficiency (literally a core principle of modern economics).

People refusing to learn, or refusing to perform within their abilities, as a way of shirking their duties is another matter altogether

Thank you! I do understand "weaponized incompetence." It allows people who are very competent and teachable at work to turn into "incompetent " partners at home. My situation is more about my spouses' refusal to tolerate me scheduling alone time for me. Why? Because he doesn't see the (desperate!) need for me to have this security and recharging. I have never been able to just shut the door and say"keep out" because he gets angry, which stresses me out even more! (wowo! it's right now 8:14 on 8/14!!! How perfect!!!) .

 

[Hypnalis]

Ok - this is a bit different. Spouse has taken over the role of children /lol.

Some questions (brief - working today so I don't have much time):
1. Neurotic or controlling?
2. Does he get downtime in a structured/formal way (hobby; you don't disturb when he takes downtime, etc)?
3. Independently of (1), are there any other areas where there are asymmetries in how you (as a couple) manage your individual psychological needs?

(a) Neurotic/Controlling aren't mutually exclusive, but close enough for now.
(b) Aspies can be very selfish, but not in the same way as narcissists. We do often have an "empathy deficit", but it doesn't usually present as "dark triad" traits .

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad
"Dark Triad" traits aren't all that common in the general population, but people with them cause a huge amount of trouble in proportion to their numbers.
We have to look for them, but not with any great expectation of finding "the real thing".

Unfortunately narcissism can be learned, and it's a bit "infectious", so they're on the rise /sigh

 

[uneven]

Ok - this is a bit different. Spouse has taken over the role of children /lol.

Some questions (brief - working today so I don't have much time):
1. Neurotic or controlling?
2. Does he get downtime in a structured/formal way (hobby; you don't disturb when he takes downtime, etc)?
3. Independently of (1), are there any other areas where there are asymmetries in how you (as a couple) manage your individual psychological needs?

(a) Neurotic/Controlling aren't mutually exclusive, but close enough for now.
(b) Aspies can be very selfish, but not in the same way as narcissists. We do often have an "empathy deficit", but it doesn't usually present as "dark triad" traits .

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad
"Dark Triad" traits aren't all that common in the general population, but people with them cause a huge amount of trouble in proportion to their numbers.
We have to look for them, but not with any great expectation of finding "the real thing".

Unfortunately narcissism can be learned, and it's a bit "infectious", so they're on the rise /sigh

THank you for taking time from work to answer my post!! He has taken on the role of the children!! Very observant!! I would love, love ,love to give him what he wants in a relationship! He has no hobbies. He does go to the gym, but doesn't need privacy. I also go to the gym and if he wanted, I would either go with him or not. He will say "but you go to the gym for yourself, isn't that enough "personal time"? He conflates doing things by myself with being alone. I'm definitely not alone at the gym and the music/people drain me, even though I like it there. When I ask him what he wants from me to support him he says "I don't know." When I ask him how he would like me to act, for example, when he gets irritable , he say's "I don't know!" He cannot/will not go inside himself. I know for sure what he would like, which is for me to stop asking him for recharge time!!!! I feel trapped in a box.
He doesn't seem to have the dark triad. I don't think he is narcissistic, I think he grew up in a family that worked hard each and every day and there was never any talking about feelings or tenderness.

 

[Outdated]

He has taken on the role of the children!!

Perhaps a bit of simple child psychology might be useful to you in this situation - firmly defined boundaries with minimal grey areas.

I had to do this as a business manager handling staff, and doing it felt a bit like I was behaving like a schizophrenic but when people did wrong I would let them know in no uncertain terms, then immediately go back to being their friend. The carrot and the stick.

As an example only, go back to the idea of taking up oil painting. If you get interrupted while trying to focus on that go ballistic, do your nut, make him think you're going to have a complete mental breakdown if he does such a thing again. But when you get your own way reward him with a little bit of extra affection.

I'm only using oil painting as an example, but I don't think he's ever going to understand that just sitting there with your eyes closed is a thing people would even enjoy, let alone need. I don't think you're going to be able to get that alone time unless you can find a label for it that he can relate to.

 

[Hypnalis]

@ uneven

This isn't going to be easy to figure out ....

I suspect every couple starts out with, or grows into, communication problems, but even if there are exceptions, you certainly have one, with both sides contributing.

That doesn't mean clear communication will resolve this particular issue, but dealing with communication looks necessary to achieve your "undisturbed downtime" objective.


Here are a few things for you to think about, based on an Aspie perspective of what you've said.
Note that they can all be interpreted as a criticisms. But in my defense I did much the same to your SO in my previous post It's not an attack - just an unavoidable side-effect of sharing a very different perspective.

** As a general rule, you can't ask an Aspie "How do you feel?" and reasonably expect an NT-compliant answer.
I think this partly extends to personal objectives ("what do you want to do?") too, but my sample size for that is too small to be sure.

** When dealing with Aspies, NT's often try to interact with us as if we're a special class of introverts with a few extra deficits in communication and social skills. Many Aspies are introverted, but that's a "non-causational correlation". We think differently to NTs, in ways that we can't readily explain to an NT.
It looks like you may be treating your SO as a kind of introvert with "ND wiring". I don't have enough information to be confident of that, but I suggest you consider the possibility.

**This:

He cannot/will not go inside himself.

is a potentially serious problem. It may not be a reasonable expectation.
Some people (ND and NT) can't do this at all. Some people can, but can't share it in terms NTs can understand (I'm in this group). In either of those cases it's uncomfortable to be asked to do this, and more likely to induce avoidance than discussion.
If you don't see why it might be an issue, feel free to ask.

* You've deflected a little from the objective onto the current constraints, which are in turn formed by your perspective on the (very real) issue, and your natural style of communication.
I suggest a reset/restart.

 

[Outdated]

This is a very impulsive and emotional thought so likely to get shouted down the moment the words leave my mouth (fingers).

What would be his most likely response if you showed him this thread? Would he be able to see that even if he doesn't understand it that it's a very important issue to you?

 

[All-Rounder]

You have to consider your privacy though, like anything you get support for in here will be in the future able to be accessed by him. And you can't make multiple accounts. And if he will join you shouldn't really talk about him.

Btw, do you think he's autistic, are you autistic or who is?

 

[uneven]

Perhaps a bit of simple child psychology might be useful to you in this situation - firmly defined boundaries with minimal grey areas.

I had to do this as a business manager handling staff, and doing it felt a bit like I was behaving like a schizophrenic but when people did wrong I would let them know in no uncertain terms, then immediately go back to being their friend. The carrot and the stick.

As an example only, go back to the idea of taking up oil painting. If you get interrupted while trying to focus on that go ballistic, do your nut, make him think you're going to have a complete mental breakdown if he does such a thing again. But when you get your own way reward him with a little bit of extra affection.

I'm only using oil painting as an example, but I don't think he's ever going to understand that just sitting there with your eyes closed is a thing people would even enjoy, let alone need. I don't think you're going to be able to get that alone time unless you can find a label for it that he can relate to.

That makes sense. If he thinks I'm doing something for him or for the family, it would make more sense. I'm sure, for example, that he wouldn't object to me needing time to do something for work. The only way I could link it into him or the family might be to say it's like meditation, and without it, I'm less easy to get along with, or it could be useful to make me more emotionally available. At least it's a step in the right direction. He's feeling left out when I go by myself. The only way to really have freedom to be alone would be if he didn't feel so left out.

 

[Outdated]

He's feeling left out when I go by myself. The only way to really have freedom to be alone would be if he didn't feel so left out.

I think that's the key to it really. Just finding a way to make it more palatable for him.

 

[ra49]

THank you for taking time from work to answer my post!! He has taken on the role of the children!! Very observant!! I would love, love ,love to give him what he wants in a relationship! He has no hobbies. He does go to the gym, but doesn't need privacy. I also go to the gym and if he wanted, I would either go with him or not. He will say "but you go to the gym for yourself, isn't that enough "personal time"? He conflates doing things by myself with being alone. I'm definitely not alone at the gym and the music/people drain me, even though I like it there. When I ask him what he wants from me to support him he says "I don't know." When I ask him how he would like me to act, for example, when he gets irritable , he say's "I don't know!" He cannot/will not go inside himself. I know for sure what he would like, which is for me to stop asking him for recharge time!!!! I feel trapped in a box.
He doesn't seem to have the dark triad. I don't think he is narcissistic, I think he grew up in a family that worked hard each and every day and there was never any talking about feelings or tenderness.

Uneven, this may sound sneaky but may help:
Any way you can plan your "alone" time for when he has gone to the gym?
Still reading the thread and trying to spot little things that might help.
AspieChris is right about asking him to help you with your problem (works great with my mechanical engineer
but this issue is already huge in your relationship and your husband is already triggered.
Maybe if you can defuse the situation in little bits instead of big chunk? Any 30 minutes you can steal for yourself like this may help you de-whatever that word is I can't find

(And yes my mechanical engineer says it's fine for me to go to therapy if I want to waste my money but he doesn't believe it can help. So that is a self-fulfilling prophecy

 

[ra49]

Uneven, I don't know if this may help but (and sorry for too many words)

I am visual, especially when it comes to time - I don't feel time passing and have no idea how long it takes to do anything (my mechanical engineer [mme] has a internal clock that is correct to within 5 minutes, so you can see how well that works out

Anyway, I love my Google calendar but there are other products also, or maybe you want to go with paper and crayons at first?

In my calendar, mme is Yellow, my sister is Purple, my Mom is Peacock blue, Direly Important things are Tomato Red . . . Everybody and Everything has a color

I use it to chart out out everything to keep myself on track and not lose anyone or anything important

 

[ra49]

Sorry tapped the wrong thing

Anyway, I'm thinking a show and tell tool to discuss with your husband?

And poster board and crayons might be best
If you chart out a typical week for each of you, wakeup to bedtime, all of your activities and be sure to include travel times

Maybe then you can find spots for yourself, and he may better understand why you feel overwhelmed and stressed when it is right there for him in living color?

 

[ra49]

<3

 

[uneven]

Thank you ra49! I love your suggestions. I personally would like the color calendar, and I'm not sure how it would go over with him. It makes me anxious to just think about it.
I have been "sneaking" alone time when he is gone, and it is keeping me sane. Unfortunately, I'm on guard for his return and will keep listening and be distracted as the time for his return gets closer-- "What if he is early! " I''ll get interupted!" I better not go in the bedroom so I won't miss his return! None of these thoughts are particularly rational, and as I type them, I sure sound paranoid!! Sigh. I'm messed up.

 

[AspieChris]

I'm messed up.

No you’re not. You’re just in a very difficult situation. It’s no fun feeling like you need to hide your suffering from your spouse, but it’s his fault for not wanting to help. Men are supposed to be leaders. Good leaders make sure that everyone on the team have everything they need to succeed.

I have had good and bad bosses at work over my 30+ year career. The dynamics of a well run office and a well run house are basically the same. Great leaders at work inspire me to work my a$$ off. Bad ones leave me without the tools I need to be productive, and then berate me for working too slow.

Imagine how much more you could do at home if only you could get the alone time you need. Is there anything he complains that you don’t do, or don’t do well enough? It probably won’t work but maybe approach it from a strictly business angle. Pick one thing and tell him you would have more energy to get it done, or that it would help keep your mind clear enough to learn how to do it better.

Although, it might make him feel like it’s an ultimatum and make him angrier. Only you know the answer.

 

[Hypnalis]

@uneven

My perspective:

The situation you describe isn't healthy, and it isn't stable.
If you want to address those issues, you'll need to have a difficult discussion with your SO.

It will be easier and more effective for both of you if you prepare for it, including, but not limited to:
** Objective(s)
** Communication style
** Timing

Only "timing" is easy. The others are multi-layered.

 

[AspieChris]

Only "timing" is easy. The others are multi-layered

Timing has never been easy for me either. I don’t know if I’m just clueless or stupid, but I have a history of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Not sure if it’s a ‘man’ thing, an ‘ASD’ thing, or just a ‘moron’ thing.

 

[Rodafina]

Timing has never been easy for me either.

Likewise. Intuitively, it feels like whenever I have gathered the right words is the right time to say something, but experience tells me that extreme consideration needs to be given to being tactful if I don’t want strange stares and offended folks.