I attended a speed dating event today

[FeatherBird]

Well, from a biological POV, if there was no sexual instinct/urge, there would probably be less need to form relationships.
It is often "Contractual".
Some ppl seem to be oblivious to this reality.

Yeah. One pet peeve of mine is when an asexual poster on that other forum mocks the struggles men with ASD face when finding a partner.

Not only is she (simply by being from the opposite gender) at a disadvantage in understanding male issues to begin with; the fact she's asexual means she isn't able to relate to heterosexuals (or homosexuals or bisexuals) period (even from her own gender)

While there's nothing wrong with being asexual, they should probably sit out discussions about sex.

 

[FeatherBird]

sadly reminds, i have mentioned this guy on this forum a couple of times, he's a black man with autism from Chicago, he claims he's high functioning, but it won't surprise me if its worse than that, or if he has other conditions, well i do remember he also told me he also as ADHD and Bipolar.

Since i wasn't there, its obviously difficult for me to assess what he did wrong and plus i'm not a social expert either, he told me back when he was in college, that a girl and her group of guy friends, filed a restraining order on him, he was labeled a creepy stalker by everyone or almost everyone at the college, the dean confronted him, he even got expelled as well.

I would imagine the symptom of autism in which it causes people to unable to read social cues or just do poorly in social situations, as described in this thread or all of the knowledge about autism that is known, i'm sure that was the main factor that caused him to do poorly that resulted in the restraining order and him getting labeled a creepy stalker and as a result expelled.

Besides his autism, he told me that as a baby, he was born premature, quite early, i believe that being born premature as a baby also negatively impacted his mental and social abilities as well.

I've done some research, the research and studies confirm that being born premature does sadly impact ones overall well-being as a person.

Which reminds me, this may sound like a cruel mindset, but some people think that people that were born premature, nature never intended for them to live, the only reason why premature babies are able to survive today is because of modern medicine, modern healthcare.

Hundreds of years ago or more, being born premature, was a guarantee that the baby would die shortly after birth, and as long as the human race has been around, as long as the human race has been doing reproduction, i'm sure the rate of premature babies that died shortly after birth was in the hundreds of thousands or millions every year until modern medicine, modern healthcare came about.

To expand upon what you said, I remember reading an explanation online once about why society shuns those of us with ASD.

For much of history, we were tribal (and every tribe member needed strong survival skills in order to pull their weight). Tribe members without survival skills were killed off by the other tribe members.

Those of us with ASD tend to lack said survival skills.

Even though most of the 21st century world has moved beyond the tribal lifestyle, the biological tribal instinct to murder us is still there. But since they can no longer get away with murdering us, they merely shun us.

 

[FeatherBird]

The subject is speed dating so my comment is about meeting new people, not established couples.

Looks and inner qualities are both important to me.

For example, there was an attendee at the speed dating event I was attracted to, yet I had no desire to get her number (because from our 5 minute speed date, I could tell she's a bad fit for me on the inside)

 

[FeatherBird]

Indeed.

But I think it's impractical because there would be too many "strike-breakers".

What seems to be happening is restrictions on LTR's, resource provisioning, and marriage. Which is morally no worse than the behavior that induces it, but IMO the "steady state" outcome will be much worse.

Young people (both sexes) tend to ignore/deny that fact that the power shifts again later.

You're right, there would be strike-breakers.

While my idea sounds awesome to men with ASD (or men who otherwise have a hard time making the first move), a lot of men like making the first move.

I shared my idea with a male coworker. He replied "So you expect men to stop making moves on women? Sounds gay."

Unfortunately, his attitude is probably how most neurotypical men would view my idea.

 

[FeatherBird]

yeah, hearing some of those clients stories of some mens dating coaches, it gave me mixed emotions, as in, it feels like both a loss and a win at the same time, guys, men, who never had a girlfriend until late in life, when i heard of some men never having a girlfriend until their early 40s, and some early to mid 30s.

I remember one guy who expressed resentment because he never had a girlfriend until later than the societal norm, he got responses from another guy saying:

"Why would you be bitter once you got what you wanted?Even if it took that long why does it matter? You can still enjoy the fruits of your labor now", He then said "

Because it happend for me late in life, happend for me when i didn't want it happen, i would have preferred it to happen when i was younger, around the time people are normally expected to have their first sexual relationship, and it reminds me, i had to work hard in order to get it while women just had to sit back and relax and just let it all happen to them, women didn't have to lift a finger in order to get a date or get into a relationship, the man had to do everything, it should be obvious as to what i'm talking about.

Men always having to be the ones to make the first move all the time and taking the lead.

I remember one mens dating coach said this years ago to another guy, who was ranting about how he feels its unfair being a man when it comes to dating:

"Leading a woman into a fun sexual relationship is one of the greatest events life has to offer. I can't see how you would want to participate even less the you already do."

Gosh that pissed me off, made me so angry, made me furious, its just not appropriate for me to say whats on my mind, and it only adds fuel to fire, whenever people make arguments as to why people think men still have it better than women do.

If you're a neurotypical alpha who easily gets laid, then yeah, it's probably fun to lead a woman into a casual sex arrangement.

For men with ASD, trying to obtain a casual sex relationship will be (best case scenario) an exercise in humiliation; worst case scenario, legal charges (it's been mentioned in the thread that men with ASD are prone to unknowingly acting "creepy" when pursuing a woman)

 

[FeatherBird]

So hes weird because hes a loner, doesnt make eye contact, mutters and has beady eyes? Is there anything else that marks him out for being "weird"? Im trying to work out if im seen as weird. People can sometimes take a dislike to me, which is weird because i have no feeling at all towards them.

Reminds me of the surgeon on the show Cougar Town.

The clique in his neighborhood dislikes him for some reason (even though he's a nice man; simply a tad socially awkward)

 

[FeatherBird]

I recommend never setting foot there again, it will do a man's self esteem the world of good. "Basket case" is that included in the glossary of socially inclusive language I wonder. It's origin comes from first world war when a soldier had lost all four limbs and was unable to move independently. Keeping it classy as always.
The police have been idealogically captured, so good luck if you only have your word. However they contemptuously treat an admission of autism as a dishonest attempt at a 'Get out of jail free' card. It doesn't qualify or is the wrong kind of victimhood PR wise.

I'm never going back to that other forum (in fact, I'm banned for telling off an admin)

I wasn't aware of the derogatory origin of the term basket case. I was thinking of the Green Day song "Basket Case" (for that song, the term basket case essentially means misfit)

Agreed, an admission of ASD is (unfortunately) viewed as the wrong type of victimhood.

The lack of sympathy some of our fellow ASD folk have for us (to where they'd throw us under the bus, getting us a criminal record) is amazing.

 

[Misty Avich]

Oh yes, speed dating isn't a bad idea for some, but it just wouldn't be suited to me personally if I were single.

Come to think of it, I've been listening to a lot of audiobooks lately that are about domestic abuse, and wow it must be really frightening to live with a violent abuser who controls everything you do and makes it hard for you to escape. So I decided that if anything did happen to my dear husband (God forbid), I'm not sure I'd want another relationship really, because another man I meet might not be as sweet and gentle as him.

No, I'm not being misandrist, it's just that being straight I'm unlikely to get into a romantic/sexual relationship with a woman. And I know the vast majority of men aren't abusers but just listening to those stories really opened my eyes. I'd hate to live like that. I'd probably end up dead, because my anxiety is so bad that I'd probably be hysterical and the abuser would probably follow through on his threats and murder me or something.

 

[FeatherBird]

Some people might find speed-dating to be unnatural and forced, but I kind of feel like it could be a potentially wonderful avenue for finding someone. Especially in a world where (increasingly) people don't know what the current climate and etiquette is because things seem to change rapidly. Even some neurotypicals seem to feel this way.

Being able to lay out your intentions, like, "Yes, I'm seeking someone to date semi-seriously" is a lot cooler than just asking random people, or (imo, worse) friends you've had for a long time. When that goes sour, you lose a friend, or at least make every interaction with them awkward thereafter. Also, I've never liked the idea of asking a complete stranger out, because it doesn't make any logical sense. Back in the day, people probably used to introduce people to each other more frequently or something, but we don't live in that world anymore. Or most of us don't.

I met my wife on a dating site, though. Most of my relationships started this way, and I think it's really the only option I had. These avenues work if you're willing to work them, imho.

Agreed, speed dating is beneficial in the sense that you know the other party is open to being approached.

I also agree that asking out friends is even worse than asking out complete strangers. I've heard the argument before "you should know the other party well before asking her out." Which is BS in my opinion. As you pointed out, every interaction will be awkward from that point on (for that reason, even asking out an acquaintance is inadvisable)

 

[Jonn]

Not only is she (simply by being from the opposite gender) at a disadvantage in understanding male issues to begin with; the fact she's asexual means she isn't able to relate to heterosexuals (or homosexuals or bisexuals) period (even from her own gender)

While there's nothing wrong with being asexual, they should probably sit out discussions about sex.

I have a problem with ppl who invalidate other's personal experiences.

 

[Jonn]

While my idea sounds awesome to men with ASD (or men who otherwise have a hard time making the first move), a lot of men like making the first move.

As an aside:
When you are out of the mating game, there is little deterrent/anxiety in initiating social contact with ppl.
It is an interesting place to be.

 

[Jonn]

I'm never going back to that other forum (in fact, I'm banned for telling off an admin)

Spoiler

I think I am falling in luv with you.
Erm, better make that a bromance. <cough>

The lack of sympathy some of our fellow ASD folk have for us (to where they'd throw us under the bus, getting us a criminal record) is amazing.

Autistics bullying autistics.
What has the world come to?
Welcome to the anonymity of the internet.

 

[Misty Avich]

Featherbird, do you mind if I PM you?

 

[Jonn]

Agreed, speed dating is beneficial in the sense that you know the other party is open to being approached.

I also agree that asking out friends is even worse than asking out complete strangers. I've heard the argument before "you should know the other party well before asking her out." Which is BS in my opinion. As you pointed out, every interaction will be awkward from that point on (for that reason, even asking out an acquaintance is inadvisable)

Well, it depends.
I actually disagree with you here, generally speaking.
If you are friends first, you tend to be yourself, warts and all, within reason.
If your intention is to impress a potential mate, you will self-censor more.

However,
In my situation, I was clueless about some aspects of myself and learned about it the hard way.
Not having much experience in relationships in general, I was unaware, particularly, of the need for personal space, which many on the spectrum have.

You can lose good friends if things don't turn out well.
Been there...
Done that...
It will never happen again...

If I were 20 years younger, I would probably give it another try, but this old dog lone wolf is set in his ways.
Sorry, ladies.

 

[Jonn]

Featherbird, do you mind if I PM you?

Spoiler

If it helps, I give you permission to PM him.

 

[Misty Avich]

Spoiler

If it helps, I give you permission to PM him.

He's a cool guy.

 

[Jonn]

He's a cool guy.

I know.

 

[FeatherBird]

Featherbird, do you mind if I PM you?

Go ahead. My DMs are open for a reason.

 

[FeatherBird]

Well, it depends.
I actually disagree with you here, generally speaking.
If you are friends first, you tend to be yourself, warts and all, within reason.
If your intention is to impress a potential mate, you will self-censor more.

However,
In my situation, I was clueless about some aspects of myself and learned about it the hard way.
Not having much experience in relationships in general, I was unaware, particularly, of the need for personal space, which many on the spectrum have.

You can lose good friends if things don't turn out well.
Been there...
Done that...
It will never happen again...

If I were 20 years younger, I would probably give it another try, but this old dog lone wolf is set in his ways.
Sorry, ladies.

I get your point (about how in a friendship, the friend sees the true you, warts and all)

There are some instances where a friendship can blossom into a relationship. In such instances, the blossoming tends to happen on its own (with neither party officially making the move)

Put another way: If getting into a relationship with a friend requires you to officially make a move, chances are it's a bad idea.

 

[Jonn]

Go ahead. My DMs are open for a reason.

Spoiler

Tell Misty I have first dibbs.