If There Was One Thing About Being An Aspie That You Wished NT's Would Understand, What Would It Be?

[Grumpy Cat]

I think it depends on the intent of them. If they are for other reasons, that strikes me as an NT behavior.

Me here. How do you normally strike up a conversation with a stranger, Judge? (I could use some more ideas).

 

[Judge]

Me here. How do you normally strike up a conversation with a stranger, Judge? (I could use some more ideas).

I'm an Aspie. I don't normally strike up any conversation with a stranger unless it's usually necessary for some reason.

To do otherwise would never occur to me to initially compliment them in the process.

I see a little irony and humor here. Perhaps it comes from seeing one too many "Leave It To Beaver" episodes where Eddie Haskell is complimenting someone always for a reason other than simple flattery. It spooks me to an extent, somewhat like eye contact.

I'm very self-conscious about maintaining a sense of honesty given a lifetime of social anxiety. An unsolicited compliment to a complete stranger just wouldn't be comfortable to me. I guess on some levels we really do exist in a very different place in our heads.

How would I strike up a conversation with a total stranger? Short answer: I wouldn't.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think there can be different reasons that one compliments someone. One might do it in order to fit in and do what is socially acceptable. In such a case, it will feel like you were being disengenous.
Or, one might truly be thinking something good about that person, and then think "Why don't I verbally share this thought with this person"
Maybe someone says something and you think "That was a smart thing for N to say." Then you think "I will tell that to him, and by so doing encourage him to keep sharing such thoughts".

 

[Judge]

Or, one might truly be thinking something good about that person, and then think "Why don't I verbally share this thought with this person"
Maybe someone says something and you think "That was a smart thing for N to say." Then you think "I will tell that to him, and by so doing encourage him to keep sharing such thoughts".

Could you consciously see yourself doing that in a moment of real time? Just wondering....looking for some perspective here.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm an Aspie. I don't normally strike up any conversation with a stranger unless it's usually necessary for some reason.

To do otherwise would never occur to me to initially compliment them in the process.

I see a little irony and humor here. Perhaps it comes from seeing one too many "Leave It To Beaver" episodes where Eddie Haskell is complimenting someone always for a reason other than simple flattery. It spooks me to an extent, somewhat like eye contact.

I'm very self-conscious about maintaining a sense of honesty given a lifetime of social anxiety. An unsolicited compliment to a complete stranger just wouldn't be comfortable to me. I guess on some levels we really do exist in a very different place in our heads.

How would I strike up a conversation with a total stranger? Short answer: I wouldn't.

How did you ever make any friends or meet your past gf's?

 

[Judge]

How did you ever make any friends or meet your past gf's?

Usually work or school (especially adult ed courses)....never a classic casual meeting in a social setting. Story of MY life.

But even in a purely social setting I just wouldn't see myself complimenting someone for social gain. I understand what you are saying, but I simply perceive things differently.

Socialization for the sake of socialization alone just strikes me as an uncomfortable chore. Maybe I'm further along the spectrum than I thought.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Usually work or school....never a classic casual meeting in a social setting. Story of MY life.

But even in a purely social setting I just wouldn't see myself complimenting someone for social gain. I understand what you are saying, but I simply perceive things differently.

If it weren't for this website, we never would have met, Judge. Unless.......

It was in the Big Brother house!
(I still think Donny could be Aspie)

 

[Judge]

If it weren't for this website, we never would have met, Judge. Unless.......

It was in the Big Brother house!
(I still think Donny could be Aspie)

Hmmm.....Donny? I wouldn't rule that out. But then I'd think any Aspie on BB would be an act of cruelty on the part of the production.

Oh yeah, they do that every year in how they cast people opposite one another. (Derrick/Devin) But I digress!

 

[Ste11aeres]

Could you consciously see yourself doing that in a moment of real time? Just wondering....looking for some perspective here.

I have done it after planning it out first.

 

[Judge]

I have done it after planning it out first.

Good Aspie answer. I think I would as well.

However that's why I mentioned real-time. Could you work that problem in less than five seconds in a quick, but casual social encounter with a total stranger?

Some things I can process quite quickly. Social situations just aren't one of them. I'd be like a hard drive with the red light on.

 

[zurb]

I don't think complimenting someone is just for NT's. Don't Aspies like when someone compliments them? I think compliments are something that everyone likes to hear every once in a while. I happen to use complimenting someone as an "opening" to start communication. How do Aspies start a conversation with someone?

I don't know if this is a common aspie trait, but one of the things I have found hard with my son is that from the earliest age any compliment was immediately turned back on us by the opposite behaviour. So much for positive reinforcement.

I think most Aspies immediately see through flattery. Compliments must be genuine, not lies.

How do I start a conversation? If there is no reason to talk, then with great difficulty. But then why would I? I think NTs often talk for the sake of talking. Aspies talk to share information.

 

[Judge]

But then why would I? I think NTs often talk for the sake of talking. Aspies talk to share information.

Exactly. Which is why it would be unlikely for me to strike up a conversation with a total stranger unless there was some visual queue to pique my interest in talking to them.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I don't know if this is a common aspie trait, but one of the things I have found hard with my son is that from the earliest age any compliment was immediately turned back on us by the opposite behaviour. So much for positive reinforcement.

I think most Aspies immediately see through flattery. Compliments must be genuine, not lies.

How do I start a conversation? If there is no reason to talk, then with great difficulty. But then why would I? I think NTs often talk for the sake of talking. Aspies talk to share information.

Exactly. Which is why it would be unlikely for me to strike up a conversation with a total stranger unless there was some visual queue to pique my interest in talking to them.

I'm smiling right now because I'm just not understanding. How do Aspies ever have friends, dates or get married if you don't talk to strangers? A lot of Aspies on this website are married - how did that happen????

 

[Judge]

I'm smiling right now because I'm just not understanding.

Yes, if you're neurotypical. You would have no common frame of reference for such behaviors. Equally as an Aspie I'm not even sure I could ever come up with the ideal words to help you understand. I don't necessarily understand my own "whys". I can only tell you that they exist, for whatever reason. Much like my OCD issues. They remain my exclusive frame of reference.

I simply don't know any differently.

It's not a crime that there really is a neurological gap between Aspie and NT. Some things might be bridged while others may not.

How do Aspies ever have friends, dates or get married if you don't talk to strangers? A lot of Aspies on this website are married - how did that happen????

I can only surmise with great effort, and great difficulty. As for myself, I'm nearly 60 and terribly alone right now. I can only say it gets more difficult with age.

For what may seem to you as easy as "falling off a log" can be brutally arduous for us. Remember, we Aspies are on a spectrum of autism. Some traits and behaviors relative to socialization may be easy for us, while for others they are terribly difficult. We're not all alike even as a group of autistics.

One thing to keep in perspective in MY case is that I'm one of those Aspies who has gone essentially all of their life without knowing what or why I am. I simply learned to blindly compensate or accommodate my behaviors to varying degrees.

Some Aspies are social successes and some are social failures. I'm of the latter despite the breadcrumbs of a few friends and lovers. My Aspie self just can't sugar-coat that reality. Socialization remains a brutal and bitter struggle for me personally.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I'm smiling right now because I'm just not understanding. How do Aspies ever have friends, dates or get married if you don't talk to strangers? A lot of Aspies on this website are married - how did that happen????

Aspies do have friends, dates, and get married, but not quite as often as do the general public.

And some Aspies, particularly the more extroverted ones, do talk to strangers. I've noticed that most of the Aspies online seem to be introverted, but I've known extroverted Aspies in real life. This one guy on a bus I used to ride (clear aspie) would talk to anyone seated near him. The bus driver ended up purposely engaging him in conversation in order to distract him from the other passengers so that they (the other passengers) wouldn't get creeped out.
(This showed a great deal of emotional intelligence on the part of the bus driver, I thought. She recognized that this guy was benign, but also recognized what the other passengers would think of him. So she took this step to protect this guy and the other passengers from each other.)

 

[Judge]

And some Aspies, particularly the more extroverted ones, do talk to strangers. I've noticed that most of the Aspies online seem to be introverted, but I've known extroverted Aspies in real life. This one guy on a bus I used to ride (clear aspie) would talk to anyone seated near him.

Sort of reminds me of the Aspie played by Josh Harnett in "Mozart and the Whale".

 

[atrocityexhibition]

I wish NTs would just give me more space and quiet, to be honest. If I have the time to recharge my emotional and social batteries, I can pretty much otherwise deal with whatever else they throw at me.

 

[zurb]

I'm smiling right now because I'm just not understanding. How do Aspies ever have friends, dates or get married if you don't talk to strangers? A lot of Aspies on this website are married - how did that happen????

I'm not totally socially isolated. In fact, within manageable doses, I like to be around people. I like to feel wanted and involved - just don't force me to talk. I went to school. I work. I go to church. I've been a member of clubs. I just take much longer to warm to someone. If they show an interest in me it really helps. For me, my first few lines of 'social talk' (as opposed to 'functional talk') are aimed at judging their level of genuine interest. If I understand NTs correctly, for them it's looking for common norms/values or 'how can I use this person?' Obviously, starting with 'functional talk' and transitioning to 'social talk' is much easier than the other way around.

In my case I met my wife at church. We started working together. We found we had similar experiences, values and aims in life. We never really dated. We each just ended up marrying our best friend. I think that's how it should be. NTs get REALLY hung up on me not having a bunch of guys to be friends with. They don't seem to understand a spouse can be a friend. I'll never understand their problem with that. We didn't know we were both aspie when we got married, but we are glad we are in it together. We can at least understand each other a little.

My sons: one is extrovert but with no social graces. The other is shy with strangers but very quickly makes friends. But the relationship often has little to do with conversation.

 

[zurb]

I have only two friends and both of my friends just don't understand how some if the things I tell them about AS could be true.

Haha, I think you'll find this goes both ways. Sometimes we just can't understand how somethings about NTs could be true

For example, the following book is insightful, but there were some areas I questioned his conclusions. Are NTs really like this?
A Field Guide to Earthlings: An autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behavior:Amazon:Books

 

[Ste11aeres]

Haha, I think you'll find this goes both ways. Sometimes we just can't understand how somethings about NTs could be true

For example, the following book is insightful, but there were some areas I questioned his conclusions. Are NTs really like this?
A Field Guide to Earthlings: An autistic/Asperger view of neurotypical behavior:Amazon:Books

LIke you, I questioned his opinions in some things. It was interesting, but some of the things he seemed to associate with NT-ness (like being traumatized after rape-if I remember correctly!!) seemed more to be human-both Aspie and NT, and other details seemed just be be a confused interpretation on his part. I also felt that there was a thread of contempt towards NTs running through the book.