If There Was One Thing About Being An Aspie That You Wished NT's Would Understand, What Would It Be?

[Arcturus]

How much agony and effort it often takes for us to do the "usual" things. And be patient and appreciative about that.

Oh yes, and to please take the time and effort to understand us and figure us out A rare human tries.

 

[Arcturus]

I did the same thing. When I learned that I'm an Aspie, I wanted to run out and yell at the world, "This is why . . ." I shared the revelation with a friend (and former pastor). He admitted that he knew nothing about Asperger's, but was willing to look at any info I might care to send. That was over a year ago; I have not heard from him since then.

For years people complained about my "odd behavior" or fed off it as though I were some form of entertainment, but they shun me when I disclose the who's what's, and why's of my behavior. They don't want to know that I have AS, nor do they want to know anything about it.

Yes yes yes!! This is WHY! Such a giant relief. But most people say "don't be silly, you can't have it. It's not even a diagnosis anymore. You are just anti-social, not open enough, and need to try more dating." Haha.

 

[Fallingforesttree]

My message to nts would be...Please warn me if you decide that I have offended you. Don't just suddenly avoid me, I care about improving friendship.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

My message to nts would be...Please warn me if you decide that I have offended you. Don't just suddenly avoid me, I care about improving friendship.

My Aspie friend told me to do that also and I said I would, but sometimes I think I shouldn't because I don't want to change him. I keep thinking who am I to tell him what's right and wrong? If I truly think we are having a miscommunication (which we have found out that we have had a few) then we will talk about it more. Now if we ever met in person and there was truly something he was doing in public that would be an embarrassment to him, then I would definitely pull him aside and clue him in. Otherwise, I really don't want to change him in any way.

 

[Ste11aeres]

My Aspie friend told me to do that also and I said I would, but sometimes I think I shouldn't because I don't want to change him. I keep thinking who am I to tell him what's right and wrong? If I truly think we are having a miscommunication (which we have found out that we have had a few) then we will talk about it more. Now if we ever met in person and there was truly something he was doing in public that would be an embarrassment to him, then I would definitely pull him aside and clue him in. Otherwise, I really don't want to change him in any way.

I suppose the important thing is tell someone if they are doing something that would damage your friendship. If you can tolerate a friend's behavior, then go ahead and do so(assuming there's nothing objectively wrong with what they are doing), but if one's friend is doing something that would harm or end the friendship, tell the person rather than saying nothing and silently distancing oneself.

 

[Amee]

I wish people would understand that the simplest everyday tasks can be difficult for me either because of sensations or overload of steps that must be taken to do something, and that I would love to be offered help with it, instead of trying to instruct me with a condescending tone because you think it's so simple.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I suppose the important thing is tell someone if they are doing something that would damage your friendship. If you can tolerate a friend's behavior, then go ahead and do so(assuming there's nothing objectively wrong with what they are doing), but if one's friend is doing something that would harm or end the friendship, tell the person rather than saying nothing and silently distancing oneself.

Me and my Aspie friend actually had another miscommunication two days ago and I was pretty upset to the point I was starting to distance myself from him. I actually thought of what you said, Stellaeres, and I asked him about it tonight and discussing what happened greatly helped. Thank you, Stellaeres, for your advice. I greatly appreciate it.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I wish people would understand that the simplest everyday tasks can be difficult for me either because of sensations or overload of steps that must be taken to do something, and that I would love to be offered help with it, instead of trying to instruct me with a condescending tone because you think it's so simple.

Thank you, Amee, for your input. It was hard for me to accept at first that my friend didn't have the energy to text with me everyday, but he explained that sometimes he's studying something and if he gets interrupted he loses his thoughts and sometimes if he's had a full day he doesn't have the energy to socialize. Since being social comes so easy to me, I had a hard time comprehending him not having energy to text. The posts here on this site have greatly helped me to understand just how much energy it does take Aspies to do things that us NTs take for granted.

 

[King_Oni]

Yes, this is what I wish NT's would really understand, because the vast majority of them clearly don't. The great British philosopher Benny Hill once said, 'Never assume, because you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me".' He must have been an Aspie.

Please try to refrain from generalizing. The use of "vast majority" to me feels like an attempt to prevent this from looking as NT bashing. Besides; is there any proof that "the vast majorirty of them clearly don't"?

Also; and this is not a specific response to the post I quoted above. This thread seems to devolve into bashing, much like another thread that has been closed down already.

This topic had a good start but it's going downhill fast. Closing topics should be the final solution here, which is why I'm stepping in to kindly ask any of you who feel addressed by this to change the tone of this thread. It's becoming far from a friendly thread to gather information, something I believe was the intention of the OP.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I wanted to add something about NT's assuming things. What I don't think is being understood is that NT's "assume" a lot of things - that's how our brains are wired. It is also what we use to try to figure out people's facial expressions and body language. When we meet a person, we take in what we see about them and make "assumptions" about how the person must be - its called "a first impression". It is well known that most first impressions are entirely wrong later on and (I'm speaking for myself as an NT) that is why I give people more than one chance to see if I can get along with them. To tell NTs to not "assume" is like trying to change something that is innate in us and I don't believe is changeable.

 

[KassieMac]

How odd, I thought the intent of this thread was to present things about Aspies that we’d like NTs to understand … I wonder how the reversal of this concept can be considered on-topic.

So to address the originally stated intent, it would be very welcome if NTs would understand that Aspies are not trying to change anything about them. I honestly believe that the NTs I’ve known are rarely capable of understanding Aspergers, however it would be nice if they understood that their innate assumptions about us (based on non-verbal communication) are rarely accurate, and too often lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings. This is exactly why some of us prefer to frequent Aspie-centric communities, in hopes to avoid those types of conflicts. What I would like to understand, however, is why an NT would want to frequent a community where their inherent communication methods so often lead to needless drama … the very type of drama that we Aspies would prefer to avoid.

I don’t believe that Aspies wish to change NTs (contrary to yet another incorrect assumption). Some hope to be understood, though I no longer believe that is possible. I just wish, for once, in this tiny corner of the Internet, that NTs would not try to change us.

 

[Judge]

In terms of beneficial coexistence, perhaps it's ultimately more realistic for both to focus on tolerance rather than only understanding. And that part of the equation must involve being able to consciously ignore the math of a 98% majority versus a 2% minority.

Otherwise you retain a specter of a majority inherently insisting that a minority adjust accordingly over neurological differences that may not realistically be able to change based solely on the will of any majority. It might be construed as "socially democratic", but it's also unethical IMO. There may be only two percent of us, but we have to be treated equally rather than proportionately.

Not necessarily equally understood, but certainly equally tolerated.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I would have normally addressed the "assumption" topic in the NT and Aspie Communication thread, however, I placed it here secondary to PeterA's post.

I actually never have done forums until this site and I came here looking for answers because I thought someone I knew might have had Aspergers. I made friends here and I now stay to try to learn as much as I can about my new Aspie friend (whom I met on this site) because he does mean a lot to me. I have said several times that I do not want to change him in any way. However, I'm finding to have an NT/Aspie friendship both have to keep learning about each other and learn how to compromise with each other. I'm also finding that there are "ways" in each of our brains that are just hardwired and cannot be changed and therefore, we have to learn to accept each other and try to "compromise" or work around these differences.

 

[KassieMac]

In terms of beneficial coexistence, perhaps it's ultimately more realistic for both to focus on tolerance rather than only understanding. And that part of the equation must involve being able to consciously ignore the math of a 98% majority versus a 2% minority.

Otherwise you retain a specter of a majority inherently insisting that a minority adjust accordingly over neurological differences that may not realistically be able to change based solely on the will of any majority. It might be construed as "socially democratic", but it's also unethical IMO. There may be only two percent of us, but we have to be treated equally rather than proportionately.

Not necessarily equally understood, but certainly equally tolerated.

Well said, Judge.

However, for my entire life I've been expected to 'compromise' ... by which they've always meant for me to adapt to irrational and constantly-changing whims of the majority ... so I was thrilled to find a place where that wouldn't be expected of me, where I could finally relax (for the first time ever). If someone truly wants to learn about Aspergers, I welcome that. But once they start expecting us to 'compromise', I start to question actual intent. 98% of the world operates according to the whims of the majority, so why must we be sought out here in our quiet little corner, by people insisting that we adapt to their ways? I'm not reaching out into NT communities and asking them to compromise ... I don't believe there's any hope in that, which is why I avoid NTs as much as possible. Why must they pursue us into our only refuge and insist that we 'compromise' to meet their innate and unchangeable ways, when they already own and control the entire rest of the world?

 

[Judge]

Well said, Judge.

Why must they pursue us into our only refuge and insist that we 'compromise' to meet their innate and unchangeable ways, when they already own and control the entire rest of the world?

In the most literal and broad sense? Perhaps because they are "hard-wired" to do so.

Sounds too simple. Until one reviews human history and sees it rife with all kinds of manifestations of social imperialism.

 

[KassieMac]

In the most literal sense? Perhaps because they are "hard-wired" to do so.

Sounds too simple. Until one reviews human history and sees it rife with all kinds of manifestations of social imperialism.

Exactly. It's just as if a small group of people move to a different country, then force the people there to adopt their language ... and persecute the ones who don't or can't. I had hoped that our world had advanced past the Middle Ages, but I guess not.

 

[Ste11aeres]

Exactly. It's just as if a small group of people move to a different country, then force the people there to adopt their language ... and persecute the ones who don't or can't. I had hoped that our world had advanced past the Middle Ages, but I guess not.

I don't think it's historically accurate to say that the Middle Ages was especially intolerant of diverse cultures.
Of course the point you were trying to make wasn't about the Middle Ages, but was about our own time. Nowadays, people on the whole might or might not be more or less tolerant of others, but are more hypocritical when they are intolerant, since tolerance is so widely preached and boasted about nowadays.

 

[KassieMac]

I don't think it's historically accurate to say that the Middle Ages was especially intolerant of diverse cultures.
Of course the point you were trying to make wasn't about the Middle Ages, but was about our own time. Nowadays, people on the whole might or might not be more or less tolerant of others, but are more hypocritical when they are intolerant, since tolerance is so widely preached and boasted about nowadays.

Good point, I probably shouldn't have referenced any particular time period ... as Judge said, it's hard-wired into a great majority of humans, going back to the beginning of time (as far as we can tell). It seems only recently, as you said, that people boast & preach tolerance while practicing the opposite. I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

 

[Geremy]

Don't judge a book by it's cover easy said and done lol

 

[Ereth]

Why must they pursue us into our only refuge and insist that we 'compromise' to meet their innate and unchangeable ways, when they already own and control the entire rest of the world?

I understand your feelings, but I haven't seen this happen here (if you're referring to AC specifically, that is).