If There Was One Thing About Being An Aspie That You Wished NT's Would Understand, What Would It Be?

[Judge]

I wish NTs would just give me more space and quiet, to be honest. If I have the time to recharge my emotional and social batteries, I can pretty much otherwise deal with whatever else they throw at me.

That's a dynamic that all my past NT girlfriends clearly could not understand. But then at the time I had no explanation for why it was so important to me, and that it was NEVER meant to be personal, or reflect upon THEM in any way. I wish I could go back and explain and apologize to them in that respect.

When I can't recharge my emotional and social batteries...I can be less than charming.

 

[KassieMac]

This is a very true statement, I'm sorry to say. I have only two friends and both of my friends just don't understand how some if the things I tell them about AS could be true. I've sent one of my friends web articles about some of the symptoms Aspies have and she won't even take the time to read it. I don't know what else I can do about that. I guess each NT would have to actually have an Aspie in there life that they care enough about to want to learn more about that person. I've met a lot of good people on this site (including my Aspie friend that I text) that make me want to learn more about AS. One of my friends can't wrap her head around how a person cannot be social and talk everyday (of course, she likes to talk a lot). I don't think NTs will ever get that really because its so opposite to what we do. I've read on a lot of threads how Aspies think NTs' "small talk" makes no sense, but it feels weird if we don't do it. "Small talk" is how we keep our friendships going (especially NT women).

I bookmarked this thread a few days ago because I knew it would take time, but the longer I put it off the more things I want to say ... my list gets longer, not shorter. Really, just one thing?

This is not for NTs specifically, but for every living person: Not everyone thinks like they do ... and if someone sees things differently, that doesn't make it wrong ... understand the definitions & know the differences between 'personal preference', 'opinion', and 'fact' ... and if someone's differences don't actually hurt anyone else, then accept them instead of trying to 'fix' them. Is that so much to ask?

 

[KassieMac]

Compliments go over big in the NT world. I always start a conversation at a party by saying something nice about the person I'm talking to - I really like their dress or their hairstyle (women love that stuff). Then if the woman is an NT, of course, she'll pick right up on that comment and run with it probably talking for hours - the more you nod and say "uh huh" the more they will talk. Women will also always talk about their kids too (unless they're like me and don't have any).

I wouldn't mind making that effort if it went both ways ... but no matter how long I listen to them chatter, as soon as I start speaking they suddenly have to leave. The last NT I was close friends with (or so I thought) did this repeatedly ... one time (the last time) I called her, she chattered non-stop for 15 minutes then ended the conversation. She never gave a single thought or comment about why I called her. Aren't true friendships supposed to go both ways?

 

[KassieMac]

I don't think complimenting someone is just for NT's. Don't Aspies like when someone compliments them? I think compliments are something that everyone likes to hear every once in a while. I happen to use complimenting someone as an "opening" to start communication. How do Aspies start a conversation with someone?

I must say this, too, reading books and trying to figure out the best way to communicate with my Aspie friend can sometimes take a lot of energy out of me, as well, but I keep doing it because I believe they are worth it. Communication goes both ways. A good NT that has a friendship/relationship with an Aspie and values that relationship will want to figure out the best way to interact with their Aspie, but their Aspie should also be interested in how they (NT) tick. And I know for me that compliments make me HAPPY! (As long as they're genuine, that is.)

Exactly! Compliments are great, when they're genuine. I've been embarrassed a few times because I thought a compliment was genuine. I've never been good at choosing gifts, so when someone in my gift-giving circle shows interest in something or compliments it, I kind of 'file that away' for later reference. Then when birthdays or Christmas roll around, I draw on those mental notes to help choose a gift ... at which point they look thoroughly baffled and can't understand why I would give them that. "Umm, when you visited me you were raving about how wonderful these are, and how much you loved them." Looking back I realize that they were just chattering nervously due to fear of silence ... but my little Aspie brain assumed they were being genuine & honest. Life is much simpler now that I'm broke and I can't afford to give gifts to anyone anymore.

 

[KassieMac]

I'm smiling right now because I'm just not understanding. How do Aspies ever have friends, dates or get married if you don't talk to strangers? A lot of Aspies on this website are married - how did that happen????

I'm going to answer your question with a question: Why would I want to strike up a conversation with a stranger? If starting a conversation with a stranger means I'll be expected to put on a performance of pretending to be what the world expects of me, why would I initiate something so uncomfortable? Also, if someone walked up to me and started a conversation with no impetus, I would immediately wonder what they wanted from me ... and it usually doesn't take long before I find out.

Regarding how do we have friends, dates, etc, it's always been through some common interest. It seems to me to be a much more logical approach than just picking a random stranger out of a crowd. Hopefully it would be less uncomfortable and more interesting because we both already know that we have at least that one thing in common. I like to have a purpose to my conversations ... to learn something, exchange ideas, etc, is fascinating. Idle chitchat is incredibly uncomfortable, and feels like a waste of time. Why would I initiate that?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Exactly! Compliments are great, when they're genuine. I've been embarrassed a few times because I thought a compliment was genuine. I've never been good at choosing gifts, so when someone in my gift-giving circle shows interest in something or compliments it, I kind of 'file that away' for later reference. Then when birthdays or Christmas roll around, I draw on those mental notes to help choose a gift ... at which point they look thoroughly baffled and can't understand why I would give them that. "Umm, when you visited me you were raving about how wonderful these are, and how much you loved them." Looking back I realize that they were just chattering nervously due to fear of silence ... but my little Aspie brain assumed they were being genuine & honest. Life is much simpler now that I'm broke and I can't afford to give gifts to anyone anymore.

This is what I do for gift giving - I always get something that I would like to have or that I already have (example - gave my brother a space heater for Christmas that looked like a small old fashioned oven with logs that burned for visual effect. He actually never came to my place to pick it up which meant he didn't think he would want it and I had to store it behind my sofa for about 8 months! He finally came over to get it and after seeing it he put it in his living room and uses it everyday through the winter months and it looks good with the logs during summer months. He loves it and the cats love it.) By giving something that I want or already have, I already know how much I use the item so I can kind of guesstimate how they will use it too. And if they don't want the item, I always say right before I give it that if they don't like it just go ahead and give it back to me because I always give something that I actually want myself. I've never had a gift given back and I have seen my gifts being used later on. Another example was a car starter for my brother. He didn't think he wanted it or would use it, but his wife put it in her car and they ended up having to use it and they were very thankful. My brother once gave me a battery operated lantern and I was thinking "woo hoo, how fun", sarcastically of course. I have used that thing more times than I can count and I have thanked him several times for it. When thinking of gifts, think of something that anyone can use or something you would want. It's never backfired on me.

 

[KassieMac]

And now I'll finally answer the initial question: I wish NTs would understand that their 'natural assumptions' with us (based on facial expressions, tone of voice, or our behavior) are almost always incorrect. If you're not sure, please ask ... I'd be quite flattered that anyone was interested in what goes on in my brain. And even if you are sure, ask anyway ... I've often been accused of the most foul and incomprehensible offenses that never even crossed my mind. I guess this goes back to my first answer, no one else thinks exactly as 'you' do, and to assume so only creates problems and drives people apart.

 

[KassieMac]

This is what I do for gift giving - I always get something that I would like to have or that I already have (example - gave my brother a space heater for Christmas that looked like a small old fashioned oven with logs that burned for visual effect. He actually never came to my place to pick it up which meant he didn't think he would want it and I had to store it behind my sofa for about 8 months! He finally came over to get it and after seeing it he put it in his living room and uses it everyday through the winter months and it looks good with the logs during summer months. He loves it and the cats love it.) By giving something that I want or already have, I already know how much I use the item so I can kind of guesstimate how they will use it too. And if they don't want the item, I always say right before I give it that if they don't like it just go ahead and give it back to me because I always give something that I actually want myself. I've never had a gift given back and I have seen my gifts being used later on. Another example was a car starter for my brother. He didn't think he wanted it or would use it, but his wife put it in her car and they ended up having to use it and they were very thankful. My brother once gave me a battery operated lantern and I was thinking "woo hoo, how fun", sarcastically of course. I have used that thing more times than I can count and I have thanked him several times for it. When thinking of gifts, think of something that anyone can use or something you would want. It's never backfired on me.

That's actually what I did before I came up with the method I described ... and it always backfired. It just pointed out to me the differences between me and my family. I value practical & useful, they only value fleeting styles & fashions.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I'm going to answer your question with a question: Why would I want to strike up a conversation with a stranger? If starting a conversation with a stranger means I'll be expected to put on a performance of pretending to be what the world expects of me, why would I initiate something so uncomfortable? Also, if someone walked up to me and started a conversation with no impetus, I would immediately wonder what they wanted from me ... and it usually doesn't take long before I find out.

Regarding how do we have friends, dates, etc, it's always been through some common interest. It seems to me to be a much more logical approach than just picking a random stranger out of a crowd. Hopefully it would be less uncomfortable and more interesting because we both already know that we have at least that one thing in common. I like to have a purpose to my conversations ... to learn something, exchange ideas, etc, is fascinating. Idle chitchat is incredibly uncomfortable, and feels like a waste of time. Why would I initiate that?

The thing about chit chat is that, for me, I do it in the beginning as a "filter" for who I want to be friends with or go out on a date with, etc. After I chit chat with someone and find out if they are my type or not, then when I socialize later on with that person it is for a reason (to get to know them more and get closer to them). I don't like picking a stranger out of the crowd either (bars, parties). That's probably why its hard for me to find dates because I can't find a guy who has my same interests (knitting, crocheting, exercise, etc.) And if there was a guy in my knitting group, he would still be a stranger that if I wanted to know better I would somehow have to initiate a conversation with. If someone walks up to you and starts a conversation, it could be because they see something they like in you and want to either be your friend or ask you out on a date. You might be expecting to see the worst in people when you first meet them and therefore you never get to see their good side. I've been like that myself and I know it puts out a negative persona and turns people off. I can't say that I'm not still like that now because I always think people want something out of me. I'm sure there are some really nice people though that aren't that way. (Donny on Big Brother is one of them. )

 

[Grumpy Cat]

And now I'll finally answer the initial question: I wish NTs would understand that their 'natural assumptions' with us (based on facial expressions, tone of voice, or our behavior) are almost always incorrect. If you're not sure, please ask ... I'd be quite flattered that anyone was interested in what goes on in my brain. And even if you are sure, ask anyway ... I've often been accused of the most foul and incomprehensible offenses that never even crossed my mind. I guess this goes back to my first answer, no one else thinks exactly as 'you' do, and to assume so only creates problems and drives people apart.

Actually, I wouldn't have known anything about the facial expressions if I hadn't read this one Aspie book and my Aspie friend also saying that his facial expressions are the same way - people will think he's mad when he isn't. I think I would have to be around an Aspie and experience it. The book says to ask your Aspie what they are thinking at that time, but am I supposed to ask constantly? I would probably get to be pretty annoying. For me, I don't want to talk down to someone and make them feel like a 2 yr old, but wouldn't asking those kind of questions make it appear like I was being condescending?

 

[KassieMac]

The thing about chit chat is that, for me, I do it in the beginning as a "filter" for who I want to be friends with or go out on a date with, etc. After I chit chat with someone and find out if they are my type or not, then when I socialize later on with that person it is for a reason (to get to know them more and get closer to them). I don't like picking a stranger out of the crowd either (bars, parties). That's probably why its hard for me to find dates because I can't find a guy who has my same interests (knitting, crocheting, exercise, etc.) And if there was a guy in my knitting group, he would still be a stranger that if I wanted to know better I would somehow have to initiate a conversation with. If someone walks up to you and starts a conversation, it could be because they see something they like in you and want to either be your friend or ask you out on a date. You might be expecting to see the worst in people when you first meet them and therefore you never get to see their good side. I've been like that myself and I know it puts out a negative persona and turns people off. I can't say that I'm not still like that now because I always think people want something out of me. I'm sure there are some really nice people though that aren't that way. (Donny on Big Brother is one of them. )

Please don't put words in my mouth, and please refer back to my post about assumptions. I am not "expecting to see the worst in people" ... believe it or not, each person I meet starts with a blank slate. I do not "always think people want something out of me" ... but that's nearly always what I find out. I've suffered too many hardships from trying to 'be more positive' as everyone tells me to, because when I end up being taken advantage of those advice-givers are nowhere in sight. Those people who say I'm too negative are the same ones that soon try to get something for nothing. I'm not negative or suspicious ... I am neutral and observant. People hate me because they recognize that I see through their facade.

I come here because it's the first & only place I've ever been that I'm not blamed for the way people mistreat me and take advantage of me. Please keep that in mind when you start to believe your own assumptions.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

That's actually what I did before I came up with the method I described ... and it always backfired. It just pointed out to me the differences between me and my family. I value practical & useful, they only value fleeting styles & fashions.

If I may ask, what kind of gifts did you give?

 

[KassieMac]

Actually, I wouldn't have known anything about the facial expressions if I hadn't read this one Aspie book and my Aspie friend also saying that his facial expressions are the same way - people will think he's mad when he isn't. I think I would have to be around an Aspie and experience it. The book says to ask your Aspie what they are thinking at that time, but am I supposed to ask constantly? I would probably get to be pretty annoying. For me, I don't want to talk down to someone and make them feel like a 2 yr old, but wouldn't asking those kind of questions make it appear like I was being condescending?

Listen to the words ... don't try to read between the lines, you can't. If it's not explicitly stated, don't assume. If you don't understand, ask. Don't jump to conclusions based on something that only happened in your imagination.

The big difference is this: Aspies use language to communicate, as it was intended. Anything else people think they sense is most likely incorrect. NTs (as far as I can tell) make random sounds to fill the silence but expect us to read their minds. We can't. And when I repeat back their words to ask for clarification they only get angry and hostile ... so I've come to believe we're expected to ignore the random sounds.

One of the oddest things I've found in researching Aspergers is that people talk about reading minds or reading thoughts as if it's actually possible. Up until a few months ago, I'd never met a professional or a well-grounded person who believed that ... there's always the few New-Age-y types that call the psychic hotline and have their palms read, but that's not what I'm referring to. In literature about Aspergers, it keeps coming up that Aspies can't read minds or read thoughts like NTs can ... and every time I see this my jaw drops. Do they really think telepathy is possible? It's science fiction/fantasy. It's not real. And every time I see people relying on that perceived 'ability', I keep watching ... and before long it all falls apart. Do people not learn from this?

 

[KassieMac]

If I may ask, what kind of gifts did you give?

As I said earlier, "Life is much simpler now that I'm broke and I can't afford to give gifts to anyone anymore."

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Regarding assuming about the facial expressions, I'm going by what I know as an NT about people in general. I want to make this clear to all Aspies that are reading this: Most NT's know nothing about Asperger's. I knew nothing about it before I came to this site aside from the little that was "glossed over" in school. If you want NT's to know about all of these things (facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.) then I would suggest you come out and tell the person you are talking to that you have Asperger's and what they should expect. NT's can't read minds. And, honestly, even if I was to hold a personal face to face conversation with you knowing what I know now, I can't say that I wouldn't make several mistakes even then. So if I make any "NT assumptions", please forgive me because I'm still learning.

 

[KassieMac]

Regarding assuming about the facial expressions, I'm going by what I know as an NT about people in general. I want to make this clear to all Aspies that are reading this: Most NT's know nothing about Asperger's. I knew nothing about it before I came to this site aside from the little that was "glossed over" in school. If you want NT's to know about all of these things (facial expressions, tone of voice, etc.) then I would suggest you come out and tell the person you are talking to that you have Asperger's and what they should expect. NT's can't read minds. And, honestly, even if I was to hold a personal face to face conversation with you knowing what I know now, I can't say that I wouldn't make several mistakes even then. So if I make any "NT assumptions", please forgive me because I'm still learning.

I appreciate these words, they mean a great deal to me. However, in your other posts you state NT assumptions as if they are facts. I would just ask that you try to be more sensitive in how you word things ... I have to put a concerted effort into specifying that I'm referring to my personal experiences, or NTs that I've known, and trying not to generalize about all NTs. I know I'm not perfect, but I try. In exchange for that, please understand that how you see things and how most people are taught to behave doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. For myself, and possibly many others, this is the only refuge from people who continually blame me for the way the world treats me ... and blame me for outcomes that I had no control over. It was a huge relief to discover that it's not my fault and I'm not a failure ... I am neurologically different, but there's nothing wrong with that.

 

[Ereth]

In literature about Aspergers, it keeps coming up that Aspies can't read minds or read thoughts like NTs can ... and every time I see this my jaw drops. Do they really think telepathy is possible? It's science fiction/fantasy. It's not real. And every time I see people relying on that perceived 'ability', I keep watching ... and before long it all falls apart. Do people not learn from this?

What literature is this? I've never seen such an assertion. If you can remember, I'd like to write a letter to the author explaining that nobody has telepathy.

 

[KassieMac]

What literature is this? I've never seen such an assertion. If you can remember, I'd like to write a letter to the author explaining that nobody has telepathy.

I don't recall, and I'm fairly certain I didn't bookmark any of those sites, but I'll certainly look and post links here. I can't wait to see your letter!

 

[Ste11aeres]

The thing about chit chat is that, for me, I do it in the beginning as a "filter" for who I want to be friends with or go out on a date with, etc. After I chit chat with someone and find out if they are my type or not, then when I socialize later on with that person it is for a reason (to get to know them more and get closer to them). I don't like picking a stranger out of the crowd either (bars, parties). That's probably why its hard for me to find dates because I can't find a guy who has my same interests (knitting, crocheting, exercise, etc.) And if there was a guy in my knitting group, he would still be a stranger that if I wanted to know better I would somehow have to initiate a conversation with. If someone walks up to you and starts a conversation, it could be because they see something they like in you and want to either be your friend or ask you out on a date. You might be expecting to see the worst in people when you first meet them and therefore you never get to see their good side. I've been like that myself and I know it puts out a negative persona and turns people off. I can't say that I'm not still like that now because I always think people want something out of me. I'm sure there are some really nice people though that aren't that way. (Donny on Big Brother is one of them. )

I've found the guy for you.

He loves knitting. Apparently he learned it while on the set of Lars and the Real Girl, and now says for him the perfect day would be one spent knitting.

 

[Arcturus]

Normally I would open this thread by saying "Me first", but since I'm an NT I can't. I am, however, very interested in learning (from those of you who are Aspies) just what you consider would be really important for all NT's to know about Aspergers.

How much agony and effort it often takes for us to do the "usual" things. And be patient and appreciative about that.