There comes a point where a stoic attitude might be the best way to live with the injustices of our existence.
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If you were honest with yourselves, how many of you hate having this condition?
- Thread starter Chimorin
- Start date
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A lot worse disorders, out there, I can live with this one. Actually life's good now that I'm retired.
Autism is on a spectrum.
So are our strengths and weaknesses, our capabilities and disabilities.
Some do better...
Some do worse...
"If you meet one autistic person..."
So sayeth The Sage of Wisdom.
I really feel for you on this, but the whole concept of why you feel it infuriates me. that is; the society wide opinion that autism is a shameful thing. The real shame is that belief itself. It is prejudice pure and simple, just like racism, or any ism. You should be able to claim you are autistic or any other personal trait with the same feeling you would about your hair color, etc. It's just a thing barely worthy a mention. I totally agree, that "woman goes missing/was attacked" doesn't have anything to do with autism, making it ridiculous to add to the report. Prejudice is what all societies should be deeply ashamed of.
I feel it is even worse for you because, from what I think I understand, you are not even sure you actually are autistic. Which means that a false diagnosis (which happens all the time) is actually an accusation, making you live your whole life with a false label of shame. All due to prejudice.
Sorry, this always gets me worked up.
There is a section in society, outside the autistic community, that are ableist, and look down on ppl with autism.
Sad, but true.
No offence intended, but.
"Shoulda, woulda, coulda..."
Unfortunately, we live in a world where emotionalism has greater control than rationalism, by a significant degree, in my considered opinion.
That's the fact, Jack...
I think I just hated being the problem/challenging/disabled/burden child. My mum was prioritised the flu vaccine each year because I was such a challenging child to bring up that she had to remain fit and well to cope with me. Her siblings didn't need flu vaccines every year. I wonder why? Oh, because their children were neurotypicals with no challenging behaviour beyond the barrier of normal kid behaviour (meaning all kids are naughty/sulky/exasperating at times but not to the extent I was). But my bad behaviour might have been more to do with ADHD.
I was hyperactive and emotional. Not a little professor.
A few good things about me as a child was that I was easy with potty-training and was out of diapers at 22 months. I was also sensible regarding danger and wasn't vulnerable, so when I was over 5 my mum could leave me to play in the backyard and not have to worry about me escaping or getting into any other danger or anything.
I remember when I was 8 I was playing under a tree in the street, when two men pulled up in a car. I didn't know them. They asked me if I wanted to see something, seemingly expecting me to get into the car. But I just turned round and ran home without looking back.
I think my mum got more exasperated with me as I got older. She couldn't seem to cope with my emotions like she used to, and would crumble and melt down in front of me, which made me feel responsible for her mental health. But my mum was bullied by in-laws at the time I was a teenager and, like me, she had RSD so couldn't handle it, and would take it out on herself and she'd often call herself a pathetic retard and even worse names and slap herself in the face for being a victim of bullying. I totally understood that, because I was a victim of bullying too, at school. Having low self-esteem and RSD does make you crumble when there's stress going on in your life that you can't control yet know it can be resolved with luck or skill that you feel you lack.
I was hyperactive and emotional. Not a little professor.
A few good things about me as a child was that I was easy with potty-training and was out of diapers at 22 months. I was also sensible regarding danger and wasn't vulnerable, so when I was over 5 my mum could leave me to play in the backyard and not have to worry about me escaping or getting into any other danger or anything.
I remember when I was 8 I was playing under a tree in the street, when two men pulled up in a car. I didn't know them. They asked me if I wanted to see something, seemingly expecting me to get into the car. But I just turned round and ran home without looking back.
I think my mum got more exasperated with me as I got older. She couldn't seem to cope with my emotions like she used to, and would crumble and melt down in front of me, which made me feel responsible for her mental health. But my mum was bullied by in-laws at the time I was a teenager and, like me, she had RSD so couldn't handle it, and would take it out on herself and she'd often call herself a pathetic retard and even worse names and slap herself in the face for being a victim of bullying. I totally understood that, because I was a victim of bullying too, at school. Having low self-esteem and RSD does make you crumble when there's stress going on in your life that you can't control yet know it can be resolved with luck or skill that you feel you lack.
I'm glad you are coming to realise that you' re mum's emotional states are not your responsibility, and they never were. These conditions are heredity and no doubt you suffered your parents as they suffered you. For your mum to do that to herself in front of you would have been quite traumatic, I would imagine. I certainly would've found it so.
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Yes, it was rather traumatic. I never hit myself in the face until I first started seeing my mum do it (I was a teenager by then), so I began doing it too when frustrated with myself, especially as a young adult. I don't do it now though.
My mum always had anxiety, depression and RSD. But we were so close, like soulmates, so of course everything my mum said and did I looked up to. We had a strong bond, despite the frustration we often got with each other. But she was always there, always made time for us, always put us first before herself, but her anxiety and depression was severe. She went on Prozac on and off, which I felt was my fault.
Sometimes I did make her cry. I remember when I was about 7 or 8 I was being really naughty one Sunday afternoon because I didn't want to go to school the next day. I was actually rather out of control and did anything I could for attention, until my mum just couldn't take it any more and she flopped down on to the couch and cried her eyes out. It upset me seeing my mum like that and I was just a helpless child so didn't know what to do.
If I had got diagnosed with ADHD back then like I should have done, the doctor might have been able to prescribe me some medication to help me calm down and focus or something.
I suspect so, plus our difficultly in emotion management.
I also hate some of my thoughts.
- Having overwhelming empathy for people and animals and even insects getting hurt or killed, I can't stand it and often go into anxiety or depressed mode when reminded of such cruelty and abuse that goes on in this world on a daily basis, even though it doesn't happen to me
- Being triggered by certain words that aren't typically upsetting for normal people. Some words just hit a raw nerve and cause a cascade of emotions, which baffles other people. Why does my stupid brain react like this? I hate my brain. It's like misophonia but with certain words
- Having a phobia of clothing tags. Not sensory-related, just a psychological phobia that makes me feel disgusted whenever I see a clothing tag. If there's a clothing tag in sight while I'm eating it just puts me off my food, the same as what you'd feel if you were eating near a pile of poop or something
- A type of synesthesia where I see emotions in objects and food. Makes life more difficult than you'd think. I "feel sorry" for everything except germs
- Being easily startled at everyday noises such as someone sneezing. It's not normal and I hate that feeling of being startled. It's like some sudden sounds really sting my nerves
I could go on but that would make this post go on for too long. I just hate being stuck with all these unusual thoughts and feelings and triggers. I've tried speaking out about it but I just got criticised and made to feel like I'm demented or something - and this is from other Aspies. So I often keep some of these thoughts to myself. Yes, I'm still awaiting therapy but that's going to be for my Emetophobia. If I get therapy for all of my mental problems then I'd probably be in therapy every week for the next 10 years of my life.
Lastly, I just hate the way autism isolates you. My sister posted an old photograph on Facebook of her with two friends when they were all 12, and I felt triggered seeing it because she looked so happy and just socially accepted in her little group, and it reminded me that I have no photographs of me with friends when I was younger. Even when I did find friends I was the third wheel and then got abandoned. I remember one time I came out of school with two friends and we agreed to hang out in the town. I loved every minute of it, even though they seemed more interested in each other than in me. Then when I went to the bathroom, they were supposed to wait outside for me, but when I came out they weren't there, and I spent the next half hour wandering around the town looking for them and feeling a bit hurt. If I was that desirable they wouldn't have abandoned me like that when they said they'd wait for me. They would have just waited for me.
And you know what the horrible answer to this treatment from others is?
"Because I have Asperger's".
No, I can't bear it! I hate that answer. Why me? If I didn't have this crap I would have had a normal social life like my sister. How come she just got learning difficulties, while I have to have the social deficit? I'd rather have the learning difficulties but have friends. Well, actually, I do have learning difficulties as well as Asperger's, ADHD, and anxiety. God hates me.
- Having overwhelming empathy for people and animals and even insects getting hurt or killed, I can't stand it and often go into anxiety or depressed mode when reminded of such cruelty and abuse that goes on in this world on a daily basis, even though it doesn't happen to me
- Being triggered by certain words that aren't typically upsetting for normal people. Some words just hit a raw nerve and cause a cascade of emotions, which baffles other people. Why does my stupid brain react like this? I hate my brain. It's like misophonia but with certain words
- Having a phobia of clothing tags. Not sensory-related, just a psychological phobia that makes me feel disgusted whenever I see a clothing tag. If there's a clothing tag in sight while I'm eating it just puts me off my food, the same as what you'd feel if you were eating near a pile of poop or something
- A type of synesthesia where I see emotions in objects and food. Makes life more difficult than you'd think. I "feel sorry" for everything except germs
- Being easily startled at everyday noises such as someone sneezing. It's not normal and I hate that feeling of being startled. It's like some sudden sounds really sting my nerves
I could go on but that would make this post go on for too long. I just hate being stuck with all these unusual thoughts and feelings and triggers. I've tried speaking out about it but I just got criticised and made to feel like I'm demented or something - and this is from other Aspies. So I often keep some of these thoughts to myself. Yes, I'm still awaiting therapy but that's going to be for my Emetophobia. If I get therapy for all of my mental problems then I'd probably be in therapy every week for the next 10 years of my life.
Lastly, I just hate the way autism isolates you. My sister posted an old photograph on Facebook of her with two friends when they were all 12, and I felt triggered seeing it because she looked so happy and just socially accepted in her little group, and it reminded me that I have no photographs of me with friends when I was younger. Even when I did find friends I was the third wheel and then got abandoned. I remember one time I came out of school with two friends and we agreed to hang out in the town. I loved every minute of it, even though they seemed more interested in each other than in me. Then when I went to the bathroom, they were supposed to wait outside for me, but when I came out they weren't there, and I spent the next half hour wandering around the town looking for them and feeling a bit hurt. If I was that desirable they wouldn't have abandoned me like that when they said they'd wait for me. They would have just waited for me.
And you know what the horrible answer to this treatment from others is?
"Because I have Asperger's".
No, I can't bear it! I hate that answer. Why me? If I didn't have this crap I would have had a normal social life like my sister. How come she just got learning difficulties, while I have to have the social deficit? I'd rather have the learning difficulties but have friends. Well, actually, I do have learning difficulties as well as Asperger's, ADHD, and anxiety. God hates me.
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I went through life thinking I was cursed with bad luck. Found out late in life it was just Asperger's. Once I change my view life changed things keep going my way, rarely make wrong decisions now as I learned from past.
The subject of Elon Musk got brought up at work today, and someone said about him being autistic and all that. It disturbs me that more and more "bad" people are autistic these days, even though everyone on this site are good people, but you know what I mean; newsworthy criminals or rich famous people like leaders, etc. So it's nice not being known by autism at work and they were just talking about it like it didn't really concern any of us, just like if we were talking about Downs syndrome or Dementia or other things that none of us at work have ourselves. So I felt like "one of them" (the NTs I was talking to).
ASD 1, think they are cursed, imagine the worse ones. Lol i don't want to be too negative, i have poison to let out, because i never could deal properly with people.
I feel me being the only one with ASD in my family is the curse, like it's just bad luck, like I'd won the genetic lottery or something (except this ain't a good lottery of course).
Why don't my cousins have ASD? Why me?
Two of my bothers also appear to be on the spectrum plus my sister. My older brother lost his job mental health issues, unable to get re-employed, obvious he was a genius. Other bother and sister did well. I'm to much of an optimist, to worry about why me. Just planned around things.
Never liked Musk or the guy that owns face book. They do not get NT's. think they do, cause a lot of damage.
If I'm autistic (not yet diagnosed), it's with level 1. My brother Ikey, whose designated level isn't known to me but is probably a 2, is definitely not better off than me. He hates his life, and has been going through many months of being bothered and annoyed by everything.
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I hate having been ritually abused.
It changed my life.
Not for the better.
I am cursed in the same way.
Every time I look out of the window, I see cruelty.
I don't look out "the window" that often, as a result.
Cutting back on watching the news, these days, also.
I can't really control my emotional responses.
Never could.
Even fictional events can trigger me.
I wish I could stop this nonsense, but "I yam what I yam". <shrug>
You are quite an odd "fish".
And that is saying something, coming from me.
As I said above.
What was that?
TL
R
TL
R Having a demented friend has always been on my bucket list. <hug>
That happened to me too.
I often wondered how that happened, and why other ppl could maintain skool friendships, but I couldn't.
Some things weren't meant to be, I guess. <shrug>
You do? 
I need to sterilize my keyboard now.
That thing could be contagious.
I need to sterilize my keyboard now.
That thing could be contagious.
Well, you have me.
Perhaps that is a con, rather than a pro.
I hate having been ritually abused.
It changed my life.
Not for the better.
I am cursed in the same way.
Every time I look out of the window, I see cruelty.
I don't look out "the window" that often, as a result.
Cutting back on watching the news, these days, also.
I can't really control my emotional responses.
Never could.
Even fictional events can trigger me.
I wish I could stop this nonsense, but "I yam what I yam". <shrug>
You are quite an odd "fish".
And that is saying something, coming from me.
As I said above.
What was that?
TL
Having a demented friend has always been on my bucket list. <hug>
That happened to me too.
I often wondered how that happened, and why other ppl could maintain skool friendships, but I couldn't.
Some things weren't meant to be, I guess. <shrug>
You do?
I need to sterilize my keyboard now.
That thing could be contagious.
Well, you have me.
Perhaps that is a con, rather than a pro.
News are so negative all the tinme, and full of their political interest on all side nowadays even being to the point of dishonesty, i try to avoid news.
This is me. Their manipulative properganda-y go irritates me too much. It's not "news" so much as a tool for social engineering.
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