If you were honest with yourselves, how many of you hate having this condition?

[Roisin]

I get you. I definitely acknowledge the perks the condition has, just y’know, has some very major drawbacks too as well lol. I just need to work on acceptance and how I perceive it I suppose.

Indeed it does have many drawbacks, like with any marginalised group, life is harder and it feels like there is very little recognition of this in wider society.

The word 'just', it almost minimises the enormity of the task, it can take years for acceptance to come, it can be painful to heal.
From my perspective some things are better taken slowly, more chance of the changes sticking, ymmv.

 

[Outdated]

For me, I really, really, really hate having Autism.

I always liked who I am and how I am, I don't wish to change anything. I was in my 40s before I worked out that I was autistic and didn't get a diagnosis until I was 55, before then I knew I was different but I always considered myself to be better than the rest. I wasn't the one that was broken, it was most of the other people.

 

[TBRS1]

Because I like myself, it is impossible for me to hate being autistic. I'm autistic. That's the way it is.

Maybe I'd like myself better if I were completely different, but, since I'm not, there is, and never will be, any way of knowing.

Imagining that life would be better, or that my life would be easier if I were different seems like fantasizing.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Just come back from 4 km walk did 30 minute stationary bike ride previously to watch lectures on P-adic number life is what you make it do what you can. Next infection point on life's journey 6 weeks away.

 

[Judge]

True, how Mint operates does in fairness have its advantages. You could argue keeping the old packages is good for preservation, and in fairness they have a point. Would be nice if they had a way to potentially mark packages as outdated in some way. Thankfully in my case with Arch if a package is outdated it just moans at me that the package requires out of date dependencies and doesn’t install the package lol.

I meant autism- not Mint. LOL....

 

[Misty Avich]

Some people take a logical, dogmatic perspective of their autism and just accept it. Some of us are irrational and look at life through emotional lens and know what "could have been". I'm the latter. All it takes is imagination and pattern recognition, which a lot of autistics may lack, to make you know what you're missing and how things should have been.

For example, if I was an NT like all the girls in my class was, I would have automatically been accepted as one of them, but because of my horrible brain that couldn't happen. All the girls in my class hung out together at high school during every recess, and there were different personality types (some were tomboys, others were more girly, etc) but they still all accepted each other. But me, I was the odd one out. I was often ignored or spoken rudely to or treated differently. And I'd stand there on the outside imagining what it would be like if I was born NT like all my family. I'd just automatically be accepted as another female member of the class and be an insider. It just goes without saying.

I remember one time I was walking to school with my brother and his friends, because nobody in my class wanted to walk with me. But one day two girls in my class were walking in front of us, and my brother knew they were from my class and encouraged me to walk with them. I was reluctant because I knew they wouldn't want me to. But I felt embarrassed about being an outcast, so I had to pretend like they were my friends and catch up to them. And, just as I'd anticipated, I could tell by their expression that they didn't want me to walk with them and they looked rather annoyed and uncomfortable. But I wanted to be "cool" in front of my brother and his friends, so I just tried to ignore the girls' hostility and carried on walking with them, just so that my brother could see his little sister was cool and had friends.

I imagined myself as another NT in that situation and could see how it would have been different. The girls would have probably been like "hey, Misty!" and linked my arm or something, then drew me into their conversation and we'd gone into school chatting. It must be wonderful to have that sort of relationship with your classmates. I just think how unlucky I am to have this curse. It makes me feel so angry, like I'm grieving for the NT I could have been.

Does anyone understand?

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

You know that better than I! But it sounds like you've put some thought into it. I'm a late diagnoser so went through most of my life blaming myself because I didn't know I had a condition to blame. At this point, I couldn't even imagine not being me. If I'm autistic then that's because someone has defined this thing they named autism and set some almost arbitrary criteria to decide who is and who isn't. In some ways, I'm happier just being the weirdo!
I've suffered depression most of my life (jeez! I can hear violins playing!) which hasn't been fun, though not the worst of depressions, but I still crave to see what will happen next, and have never wanted to end it, just end the pain of it (though that can be a route to substance misuse, not very helpful in the long run).
Every time I came out of a depressive state, it always reminded me there are things worth experiencing, and thinking, about and however bad it may sometimes seem, at some point it does get better.

Same here, I just thought it was bad luck. Lucky I am eternal optimist even told my wife do you want to marry some one who has so much bad luck.

 

[Chimorin]

Some people take a logical, dogmatic perspective of their autism and just accept it. Some of us are irrational and look at life through emotional lens and know what "could have been". I'm the latter. All it takes is imagination and pattern recognition, which a lot of autistics may lack, to make you know what you're missing and how things should have been.

For example, if I was an NT like all the girls in my class was, I would have automatically been accepted as one of them, but because of my horrible brain that couldn't happen. All the girls in my class hung out together at high school during every recess, and there were different personality types (some were tomboys, others were more girly, etc) but they still all accepted each other. But me, I was the odd one out. I was often ignored or spoken rudely to or treated differently. And I'd stand there on the outside imagining what it would be like if I was born NT like all my family. I'd just automatically be accepted as another female member of the class and be an insider. It just goes without saying.

I remember one time I was walking to school with my brother and his friends, because nobody in my class wanted to walk with me. But one day two girls in my class were walking in front of us, and my brother knew they were from my class and encouraged me to walk with them. I was reluctant because I knew they wouldn't want me to. But I felt embarrassed about being an outcast, so I had to pretend like they were my friends and catch up to them. And, just as I'd anticipated, I could tell by their expression that they didn't want me to walk with them and they looked rather annoyed and uncomfortable. But I wanted to be "cool" in front of my brother and his friends, so I just tried to ignore the girls' hostility and carried on walking with them, just so that my brother could see his little sister was cool and had friends.

I imagined myself as another NT in that situation and could see how it would have been different. The girls would have probably been like "hey, Misty!" and linked my arm or something, then drew me into their conversation and we'd gone into school chatting. It must be wonderful to have that sort of relationship with your classmates. I just think how unlucky I am to have this curse. It makes me feel so angry, like I'm grieving for the NT I could have been.

Does anyone understand?

Man I really relate to you on that…

As soon as I opened my mouth, people’s smiles would instantly turn to frowns and their faces would just scrunch up. Since I was masking all the time and didn’t say anything about my autism, people said if I had a better personality and just worked at it and try, I’d be far better off as I ‘had the looks’ to be like a stereotypical jock or whatever. However, deep down, I knew what they were getting at, not that they knew what it was.

That right there is what hurt, what I could’ve been is what hurts me, so yeah, I really relate to you on this.

 

[Outdated]

....what I could’ve been is what hurts me....

Don't go dreaming in the realms of What If.....

 

[Chimorin]

Don't go dreaming in the realms of What If.....

True, sometimes I just find it hard to remain ‘present’ y’know, especially when the reality I might’ve had is much better than my one now. Ah well, I wake up, today’s another day.

 

[Outdated]

True, sometimes I just find it hard to remain ‘present’ y’know, especially when the reality I might’ve had is much better than my one now. Ah well, I wake up, today’s another day.

The grass is always greener...

Teaching yourself to want what you can't have is never a good idea.

 

[Chimorin]

The grass is always greener...

Teaching yourself to want what you can't have is never a good idea.

Very true, I needed to hear that. Thank you.

 

[Misty Avich]

True, sometimes I just find it hard to remain ‘present’ y’know, especially when the reality I might’ve had is much better than my one now. Ah well, I wake up, today’s another day.

I get you. I mean, if a parent tragically lost their child and they're still grieving over it years later, it would be inappropriate to tell them that grieving over them won't bring them back or change the fact that they're gone.

And no, I'm not comparing having AS to losing a child, but I'm just saying that both situations apply and feelings should be valid.

 

[Xinyta]

Some people take a logical, dogmatic perspective of their autism and just accept it. Some of us are irrational and look at life through emotional lens and know what "could have been". I'm the latter. All it takes is imagination and pattern recognition, which a lot of autistics may lack, to make you know what you're missing and how things should have been.

I get this. Though for me, I have never had much of a socail life. Only because I was either oblivious, or scared out of my mind due to my stepmother.

But I do find myself looking at decisions and actions after the fact. I end up stressing over how I did/didn't do this or say/didn't say that. Hindsight is only useful in responsible doses. But when experience makes it hard to be rational. Then it is hard to look at hindsight as anything, but a reason to ruminate.

Just feeding yourself 'what ifs' and 'should ofs', only to stack on to your own fears and doubts.

But sadly, we cannot change the past. Just learn from it. And that's the hardest part. Admitting to yourself when you just need to stop and let it go.

 

[Misty Avich]

It might be due to me having an autobiographical memory that makes me remember things way too vividly. It is like a gift, and I don't put it down to AS, because my NT cousin has the same gift. But it can also be a curse when bad memories are stored too. It triggers a PTSD-like response, which then triggers anger and resentment and questions like "why me?" and "it isn't fair!"

 

[Chimorin]

I get you. I mean, if a parent tragically lost their child and they're still grieving over it years later, it would be inappropriate to tell them that grieving over them won't bring them back or change the fact that they're gone.

And no, I'm not comparing having AS to losing a child, but I'm just saying that both situations apply and feelings should be valid.

I agree with you 100%. As overused as this phrase is, it’s natural for us to feel this way.

 

[Misty Avich]

I agree with you 100%. As overused as this phrase is, it’s natural for us to feel this way.

I get that ruminating and feeling sorry for oneself isn't exactly a healthy way to live, but we just can't help it. Sadness, grief and resentment seems to be ingrained in my brain, over the diagnosis.

 

[Chimorin]

I get that ruminating and feeling sorry for oneself isn't exactly a healthy way to live, but we just can't help it. Sadness, grief and resentment seems to be ingrained in my brain, over the diagnosis.

Man oh man, spitting image of me on that point. My brain is practically my worst enemy and I hate it.

 

[Jonn]

For me, I really, really, really hate having Autism.

It can be a heavy burden for some, yes.

 

[Jonn]

I'm not allowed to say I hate having autism because it's apparently offensive. But it's okay, they only get offended because it's me saying it and they have some sort of everlasting grudge against me from the other site, so hopefully coming from you it won't be offensive.

I don't understand this bias against you. <hug>