If you were honest with yourselves, how many of you hate having this condition?

[717]

For me, I really, really, really hate having Autism. Currently writing this during yet another burnout all because of my brain can’t handle literally the basic functions of living. Of course Autism costed me in the social department, but it’s effected majorly in all areas of my life, including employment, education, cognitively, this condition has robbed me of so much stuff and I hate it. I’m just really tired of having to be forced to abide my limitations which keep in me in a horrible standing in life, and if I try to go against my limitations my brain throws up an error. It’s really frustrating and tiresome having this awful condition.

I dont hate it... I basically learnt to live with it... but my case is not as bad... somewhere between level 1 and 2.

I think it helps if you learn the ways it makes you different and try to find a way to use them as strengths.

 

[Chimorin]

I want to be left alone by my family. Strangers are the easiest people to talk to. I can't deal with DMs, so I hope it's okay for me to vent here. (I know that I could just make a new thread.) It likely won't be my most intelligible message.

I can't take care of myself. I'm talking about both regular ADLs (Activities of Daily Living) and whatever it would take to turn my life in a better direction. I've been trying to find treatment, but I don't know how to look, I can't handle the process and I can't make decisions.

I need someone to take over, but I'm also fiercely independent and don't know if I can manage to give away control. As said, if I would be at least okay with it, I don't know how to find that help, either.

When I said about giving up, it would probably be one of two things:

1) Stop looking to change, to reach for anything greater in life. Keep doing what I'm doing, keep suffering, until forced to change by the circumstances that will eventually come.

2) Reach out desperately in any way possible to scream for help. The move that I've been thinking about for weeks is checking into a hospital. Maybe they can help me get to resources, while giving me some safe space and starting meds. What's stopping me is being terrified that they won't admit me.

I do want to be dead, but it's doubtful that I can ever do what's necessary to make that happen.

How easy is it for you to get medication? I’m on it myself, currently sertraline for depression and melatonin for sleep if you don’t mind me asking? I don’t know how it works for you in the US.

 

[NB79]

Personally I don't bother with things I can't evidence or rationally and logically argue so anything to do with any 'other side' can wait until then, it won't change my life. But it sounds like you're deciding your know you future, and that is something none of us can know for sure, it's just an extrapolation of your past, but no more real than a better imagined future.

You can't talk about God here, but personally, i went through things, that cleared any doubt about God existence. Denying that would be like denying the keyboard i'm writing this with.

 

[Cutesie]

How easy is it for you to get medication?

Easily enough, but it needs to be prescribed by a psychiatrist. Many available ones will only see me if I'm getting therapy at the same place. Twice in recent months, I thought that I would have one. The first time, the clinic told me to look elsewhere, that they don't have what it takes to deal with my situation.

Last week was the first session with a therapist at a different clinic. He's so wrong for me and I told him so. He says nothing, just waiting for me to talk and not reacting at all when I do. When I pressed him to at least direct the conversation by asking questions, he did so with much hesitation.

At both meetings, I brought up getting medication. The first time he said, "We could set up an appointment with the psychiatrist", and didn't do any more. Today he just sat there quietly. It's so hard to express myself in speech. When I do manage, I can't keep repeating and rephrasing. I can't beg someone to listen to me and to act.

What I need is treatment from someone who knows autism. I'm not even diagnosed, which makes finding something more difficult. I don't know how to navigate the system. I don't know what level of care I need. It's possible to get government recognition of my condition, which will open up opportunities for me, but it's an intensive process that I couldn't push through. I find it hard enough to do the most basic fulfilling of needs.

This is all going on as I deal with massive moods swings - anxiety, depression and some of what's probably hypomania. I'm not diagnosed with Bipolar either, but I might be diagnosable.

 

[Chimorin]

Easily enough, but it needs to be prescribed by a psychiatrist. Many available ones will only see me if I'm getting therapy at the same place. Twice in recent months, I thought that I would have one. The first time, the clinic told me to look elsewhere, that they don't have what it takes to deal with my situation.

Last week was the first session with a therapist at a different clinic. He's so wrong for me and I told him so. He says nothing, just waiting for me to talk and not reacting at all when I do. When I pressed him to at least direct the conversation by asking questions, he did so with much hesitation.

At both meetings, I brought up getting medication. The first time he said, "We could set up an appointment with the psychiatrist", and didn't do any more. Today he just sat there quietly. It's so hard to express myself in speech. When I do manage, I can't keep repeating and rephrasing. I can't beg someone to listen to me and to act.

What I need is treatment from someone who knows autism. I'm not even diagnosed, which makes finding something more difficult. I don't know how to navigate the system. I don't know what level of care I need. It's possible to get government recognition of my condition, which will open up opportunities for me, but it's an intensive process that I couldn't push through. I find it hard enough to do the most basic fulfilling of needs.

This is all going on as I deal with massive moods swings - anxiety, depression and some of what's probably hypomania. I'm not diagnosed with Bipolar either, but I might be diagnosable.

Man, they definitely aren’t making it easy on you huh. I know it’s easy for me to say, but if you can definitely try to get an appointment with a psychiatrist, I know it’ll be hard work but it’ll get to the desired outcome quicker, that being getting medication. Have your parents offered to help with anything?

 

[Boogs]

You can't talk about God here, but personally, i went through things, that cleared any doubt about God existence. Denying that would be like denying the keyboard i'm writing this with.

That's interesting, because I could say the same, but I bet it wouldn't mean the same as you mean!

 

[Cutesie]

Have your parents offered to help with anything?

I haven't the energy to try explaining my relationship with them. Briefly, they love me and would do anything that they could. I'm just not at the point of allowing myself to dump more stuff on them. I'm definitely not ready to be vulnerable to them by becoming like a baby and letting them do everything for me.

I'm talking mainly about one parent, with whom I have a terribly complicated relationship. The other one is, because of certain circumstances, unable to help physically. Both are terrible at giving helpful emotional support.

 

[Chimorin]

I haven't the energy to try explaining my relationship with them. Briefly, they love me and would do anything that they could. I'm just not at the point of allowing myself to dump more stuff on them. I'm definitely not ready to be vulnerable to them by becoming like a baby and letting them do everything for me.

I'm talking mainly about one parent, with whom I have a terribly complicated relationship. The other one is, because of certain circumstances, unable to help physically. Both are terrible at giving helpful emotional support.

I feel you on that. It took me awhile to get my meds if I’m honest, had to go through loads of referrals but low and behold I got them. I know this doesn’t necessarily address the issue and is quite a cliche question, but are you in employment?

 

[UberScout]

For all the awesome things that I can do with my brain, it almost isn't worth it when I get bullied and the world treats me like garbage just because I'm autistic.

 

[Chimorin]

For all the awesome things that I can do with my brain, it almost isn't worth it when I get bullied and the world treats me like garbage just because I'm autistic.

I feel you on that man, cuts deeper than I like to admit.

 

[Cutesie]

I feel you on that. It took me awhile to get my meds if I’m honest, had to go through loads of referrals but low and behold I got them. I know this doesn’t necessarily address the issue and is quite a cliche question, but are you in employment?

No. I do get government benefits for having a physical condition, so I have a little money, some of which I give to my parent for rent.

 

[Chimorin]

No. I do get government benefits for having a physical condition, so I have a little money, some of which I give to my parent for rent.

Right. Even more cliche on this one but what about hobbies? Are you able to go outside for short periods of time?

 

[Cutesie]

Right. Even more cliche on this one but what about hobbies? Are you able to go outside for short periods of time?

During the past couple of months, my usual hobbies either disgust me or I can't focus on them. (I don't like to share what they are.) The one constant is actually walking, which I can do for hours. It sometimes helps. So does watching YouTube and listening to sports.

 

[Chimorin]

During the past couple of months, my usual hobbies either disgust me or I can't focus on them. The one constant is actually walking, which I can do for hours. It sometimes helps. So does watching YouTube and listening to sports.

That’s something I guess. I know this is a wild card but have you ever tried to make music? I’m not saying I’m any good but it helps me release that creative spark (will be a little late to respond as I’m off to bed, but I’ll respond when I can).

 

[Human Avatar]

I hate it, because it makes everyone around me hate me.

 

[Tom]

I do not hate it. I like much more then I dislike about it. I certainly wouldn't change if that was an option.

 

[Cutesie]

That’s something I guess. I know this is a wild card but have you ever tried to make music? I’m not saying I’m any good but it helps me release that creative spark (will be a little late to respond as I’m off to bed, but I’ll respond when I can).

You got it, sort of. I love music, but mostly my own singing. When walking or in bed, I'm often humming or quietly singing. I also have made a good deal of tunes and parodies. They are spontaneous and infrequent, though.

Thank you for caring. I'm no good at expressing gratitude, so just know that I feel it.

 

[NB79]

I hate it, because it makes everyone around me hate me.

I don't get much hate, but they just ignore.

 

[Crossbreed]

I'm not allowed to say I hate having autism because it's apparently offensive.

It is okay that you feel that way. You cannot change how you feel.

That said, if you do feel that way, you are not optimizing your condition.

You are not a bad NT, but you can be an optimal autistic (assuming that you do not have severe co-morbids). Even severe co-morbids can be optimized.

 

[stevens]

There was a time when I really, really did. It was middle school. That has been decades ago. "Autism" wasn't a thing for those of us then. We were referred to with the "R" word or even worse names, even though our grades were good. Other people were going places, with their newfound social powers.

In the years since, I've learned it's immutable. Also, many of the people I would then have eagerly traded places with have progressed to ruin or death, often from substance abuse or from hard living. For a few of them, the only way it could go after that was downhill. An assumption of entitlement set in. I, on the other hand, quite objectively today feel better than they do our would, alive or dead.

And so, of course I don't like being autistic, because of what it limits. I also do like it, because of what it allowed me to become.

The moral of this story is to beware of impulses to trade places with people.