Incapable Of Dating

[Misty Avich]

What discourages me a lot is that women in my area tend to marry early so it feels like the chances for me to meet single women are slim or nonexistent.

I just have so many questions and I get confused easily.

Don't worry, it doesn't mean there's no hope for you. Other autistic guys seem to be in successful relationships. I'm not sure if it's the same where you are but where I am a lot of people split up or divorce in their 40s so are available. I don't know how long marriages lasts where you are. And just because someone is divorced it doesn't mean they're a bad person or anything. My husband had two divorces before he met me but that doesn't make him a bad husband. He just seemed to meet the wrong women, which is why he's probably grateful to have met me because I'm loyal and very loving. So your best bet is to go for divorcees (often if you chat to someone and they point out that they're single it can be a good opportunity to hint that you'd like to date them).

 

[Misty Avich]

I try to use "they/them" rather than "he/she" because it applies to both genders. I hate when threads become a string of "women like this, women like that, don't say this to women, don't say that to women". It's all down to the person, not the gender. So my tips are just aimed at both genders rather than generalising what women want and don't want. It's as though women are sooo precious and entitled that there must be rules on how to approach us and what we like. But it's not like that. We're all different and what one woman likes from a man might not be what another woman likes from a man. But it can casually apply to both genders.

Just thought I'd point that out.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I got approached by so many single women it was no funny before I meet my wife at bus shelters when I was raining park benches at work leaving notes in my locker in high school phone calls at home. I always wondered this makes no sense not how it is supposed to work, even in college they came on to me I could not afford to date. Believe me once they want something they will do what it takes and many want family.

 

[FayetheAspie]

My husband was reluctant of asking me out at first because he wasn't sure if it would be too forward. His reluctance made me think he might have been married or that maybe I was annoying him or something, so I tried to keep it very casual. Then one day he asked what my name was and I asked for his name. He seemed quite keen and I think I showed that I was keen too because that was when he gathered courage to ask me on a date.

Maybe it's a mutual theory of mind thing that is needed when it comes to dating? I don't lack theory of mind and I can read body language so that might have been why it was easier for me perhaps? But I don't know, so don't take that as a fact.

But usually dating very first begins with two people "getting chatting" to each other and then things just develop.

No is a convenient answer anytime asked out. Don't have to sort anything out or wonder what other people are thinking. If you did kinda like the person you can just cry a few times later when no one is around.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Time is on your side just talked to my new daughter in law she wants a second child my son does not but he knows he can always change his mind when her window closes that's it for her. See my other thread with the DNA how messed up adoption can get for the child once an adult.

 

[Misty Avich]

No is a convenient answer anytime asked out. Don't have to sort anything out or wonder what other people are thinking. If you did kinda like the person you can just cry a few times later when no one is around.

Yes it is but I did like him to begin with, as in fancy him, so him asking me on a date was the best day of my life.

 

[FayetheAspie]

Yes it is but I did like him to begin with, as in fancy him, so him asking me on a date was the best day of my life.

When I like someone, often nobody ever knows. It's like some kind of anxiety disorder that I don't know a name for. Being asked out is humiliating. Sure, you might be thrilled for a second on the rare occasion that it is someone who you like but then your mind starts panicking about what if someone heard them ask what is everyone thinking. And if we didn't have the same hobbies and interests they would be to break up with anyway so better to not put myself through all that embarrassment for nothing.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I knew my future wife liked me by asking her to come downstairs to join me in the private living area of my rooming house 3 story house their living room was a sun room.

 

[Misty Avich]

When I like someone, often nobody ever knows. It's like some kind of anxiety disorder that I don't know a name for. Being asked out is humiliating. Sure, you might be thrilled for a second on the rare occasion that it is someone who you like but then your mind starts panicking about what if someone heard them ask what is everyone thinking. And if we didn't have the same hobbies and interests they would be to break up with anyway so better to not put myself through all that embarrassment for nothing.

Strange because I used to worry about that before I met him but for some reason when I first met him something was telling me he was Mr Right for me and that it will become a successful forever type relationship. I don't know what or how but it did. I just swooned into the relationship completely knowing that I was doing the right thing. I know that makes me look vulnerable or naive but I had dumped men in the past (not proud of it but it's better than stringing them along, right?) so I do know what I want and a guy's intentions. I had made a silly mistake with a guy (before I met my husband), but I knew it was stupid and wrong but I still let him do it because I really did fancy him. I didn't do it out of oblivious naivety. But that's in the past.

 

[Allen H]

What discourages me a lot is that women in my area tend to marry early so it feels like the chances for me to meet single women are slim or nonexistent.

I just have so many questions and I get confused easily.

How early is "early?" For many years I sought out relationships with young ladies in their teens, for both religious and personality (I am an Aspie) reasons. On the religious grounds I would only consider a virgin for a potential bride since I am an Orthodox Christian and the Bible teaches no sex outside of marriage - anything else is fornication or adultery - and in looking for a life partner I insisted on someone who shared my basic moral values. Obviously, your chances of finding a virgin are much higher with girls in their teens than with older females. From the personality standpoint, I was socially inept as would be expected with my condition and extremely awkward in talking to women. Even teens were more socially advanced than I, but the gap was less than with older ladies, and teens are sometimes flattered by being asked out by an older man. Of course, there are many obstacles put in the way of someone pursuing my strategy, particularly in western countries where such age gap relationships are typically looked down upon due to ageist stereotyping. Well, I tried the above strategy through my 20's, 30's, and 40's. I did succeed in making a number of lasting friendships (my best friend and my son's godmother is a lady I met when I was in my late 30's and who had just turned 14), but didn't find a romantic connection. Finally, at the age of 50, I decided to go the "mail order bride" route and made contact with a 19 year old Asian girl who was seeking a western pen pal. I answered her add, and we started corresponding. While I am awkward in person to person interactions, I am a good writer, and we got an excellent correspondence going. We took over a year to get to know each other this way (with a couple of brief phone calls also, though they were hard to do in her area and this was back in the 90's before all the Internet dating stuff). Well, to bring this long narrative to a close, I flew over to her country, met her and her family, and proposed. She accepted. We were married over there some time later and then I brought her to the USA. We have turned out to be a well matched couple in spite of the 31 year age gap, and celebrated our Silver Anniversary with a nice cruise to Iceland and northern Europe in 2023.

You might think about trying for the modern equivalent of a pen pal relationship with a young lady from overseas. You don't face the typical pressure that is present for people on the spectrum in "dating" situations - making a good first in-person impression, being able to keep a conversation going, reading body language and other nonverbal cues, etc. and you aren't under time pressure in getting to know the other person. If you are a good (or even decent) writer, this approach could prove fruitful for you.

 

[Markness]

@Allen H

Women in my area tend to get married at ages 18-30. A lot of this is due to the reverse psychological effect the cultural slogan of “Save it (sex) for marriage!” does in Central Texas.

I am not concerned if my potential partner is a virgin or not. I am just worried about never meeting her while I am still alive.

 

[Markness]

Don't worry, it doesn't mean there's no hope for you. Other autistic guys seem to be in successful relationships. I'm not sure if it's the same where you are but where I am a lot of people split up or divorce in their 40s so are available. I don't know how long marriages lasts where you are. And just because someone is divorced it doesn't mean they're a bad person or anything. My husband had two divorces before he met me but that doesn't make him a bad husband. He just seemed to meet the wrong women, which is why he's probably grateful to have met me because I'm loyal and very loving. So your best bet is to go for divorcees (often if you chat to someone and they point out that they're single it can be a good opportunity to hint that you'd like to date them).

Divorce is common where I live and it’s mostly due to the marriages deteriorating after the spouses cheat on each other. But that’s largely due to how crummy the social environment I live in is like.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

A lot of Texan women move to New York. No surprise. They are usually single when they move here.

Most are nice. Two from my new church both single are very nice too.

 

[Outsider]

This is a topic I been trying to keep wraps for a every long time and still don’t feel uncomfortable revealing

Do I lack emotional awareness? Am I not as intelligent as I thought?

As I start to ask those difficult questions, self doubt starts creeping in

I know I’m very capable and a very good person when I’m myself, when I’m relaxed but the public perception combined with ableism is slowly eroding my mind

I’m socially awkward, don’t like interacting with others. I also don’t like to put myself out there. Selling my soul is something I refuse to do

Prolonged isolation doesn’t help my mental health but I can’t really connect with others

It’s easy to befriend someone but it’s hard to be intimate

I don’t think I have the capacity of going on dates, or maybe I’m selling myself short

I am neurotypical. In 2020 I was dating a woman diagnosed with arrested development. In the past this condition was called mental retardation. Our relationship didn't last long, he got jealous of my lady friend. But this is not the point. She wasn't afraid to put herself out there. Judging by your post, you an intelligent person, you shouldn't doubt your ability to communicate with people. You won't have a 100% success rate that's for sure.. So what? I had my share of rejections for various reasons. But that didn't stop me from dating. Strange as it seems, in many cases my education was a barrier. I have MS in Mechanical Engineering, This made some women think that they don't match my intellectual level. It could happen to you too, but, obviously, this is not your fault. There is a perception that I don't share -- some neurotypicals think that autistic people are nerds. Fortunately, not all agree with this odd idea, but you might run someone who subscribes to this notion. Not let this minor hiccup discourage you.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I tried putting myself out there for five and a half years, and it burned me out and caused multiple meltdowns. I became nastier, lost trust in women and really anyone. I'm on higher medication now and no longer willing to try anything new.

 

[Uri]

I'm not a scientist but I think that genetics has a lot of say in human sexual selection and perhaps also in human physical appearance but again there are alot of things that scientists don't know about humans and that's because humans are so very complex.

We know for instance that humans aren't completely driven by biology or genetics. Our society, our culture, our upbringing and our environment are also factors in what drives us but I think that much more scientific research is needed in these areas.

But being a genetic loser like I am I feel like almost everything in life is bad because also being non-neurotypical is presumably, at least in part, genetic.

Elliot Rodger couldn't get a girlfriend and it drove him completely crazy so you can see what many years of lack of sex and intimacy and constant rejection from women can do to a male's mind, changing him from a completely innocent and good person into a remorseless killer.

 

[Misty Avich]

While I understand the loneliness and hurt many men on the spectrum can face in their lives, I don't really empathise with the killing result. Murder is not the answer and shouldn't be excused. I have angry feelings about my life too and how I let myself be treated because I look weak and pathetic so people prey on that, which then makes me picture myself and cringe. I have horrible memories of my younger years as a lonely, socially isolated Aspie girl who often cried for a friend and would get upset and depressed because of being "that worthless kid nobody likes". I feel very angry at the fact that I was the only out of my family born with these problems and having all my cousins escape that faulty gene. I could really scream and cry forever at the unfairness of it and sometimes I even think about suicide, as I'm a believer of reincarnation (in the paradox way where it's not really you reliving again in another body but you just call it "you" because...I can't explain) so I think that if I die then "I" might become a fetus growing in some random woman's body somewhere (hopefully not in a deprived or abusive family, you understand) and turn out as an NT and can go to school taking my social skills for granted and being guaranteed a normal circle of friends and being an insider.

But, despite all that, no matter how angry and resentful I feel, I still wouldn't go killing NTs for being NT, because, well, what's the point? It just gives autism a bad name, makes everyone hate you, makes an innocent family grieve over their loved one that you killed, and you have to spend the rest of your life rotting in prison. No way, thanks.

The best thing to do is to let it all out on forums like these.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I'm not a scientist but I think that genetics has a lot of say in human sexual selection and perhaps also in human physical appearance but again there are alot of things that scientists don't know about humans and that's because humans are so very complex.

We know for instance that humans aren't completely driven by biology or genetics. Our society, our culture, our upbringing and our environment are also factors in what drives us but I think that much more scientific research is needed in these areas.

But being a genetic loser like I am I feel like almost everything in life is bad because also being non-neurotypical is presumably, at least in part, genetic.

Elliot Rodger couldn't get a girlfriend and it drove him completely crazy so you can see what many years of lack of sex and intimacy and constant rejection from women can do to a male's mind, changing him from a completely innocent and good person into a remorseless killer.

another example, he is not talked about much, George Sodini, he was a middle-aged man, the incident he committed in 2009 almost 50, he hadn't had a girlfriend since 1984, hadn't slept with a woman in 20 years

I'm not a scientist but I think that genetics has a lot of say in human sexual selection and perhaps also in human physical appearance but again there are alot of things that scientists don't know about humans and that's because humans are so very complex.

We know for instance that humans aren't completely driven by biology or genetics. Our society, our culture, our upbringing and our environment are also factors in what drives us but I think that much more scientific research is needed in these areas.

But being a genetic loser like I am I feel like almost everything in life is bad because also being non-neurotypical is presumably, at least in part, genetic.

Elliot Rodger couldn't get a girlfriend and it drove him completely crazy so you can see what many years of lack of sex and intimacy and constant rejection from women can do to a male's mind, changing him from a completely innocent and good person into a remorseless killer.

yeah, another person, he is not discussed as much, was the late George Sodini

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I now think those thoughts really without much remorse because of the constant recent and past PTSD ostracism from women. But I can't never act on those actions.

 

[Markness]

While I understand the loneliness and hurt many men on the spectrum can face in their lives, I don't really empathise with the killing result. Murder is not the answer and shouldn't be excused. I have angry feelings about my life too and how I let myself be treated because I look weak and pathetic so people prey on that, which then makes me picture myself and cringe. I have horrible memories of my younger years as a lonely, socially isolated Aspie girl who often cried for a friend and would get upset and depressed because of being "that worthless kid nobody likes". I feel very angry at the fact that I was the only out of my family born with these problems and having all my cousins escape that faulty gene. I could really scream and cry forever at the unfairness of it and sometimes I even think about suicide, as I'm a believer of reincarnation (in the paradox way where it's not really you reliving again in another body but you just call it "you" because...I can't explain) so I think that if I die then "I" might become a fetus growing in some random woman's body somewhere (hopefully not in a deprived or abusive family, you understand) and turn out as an NT and can go to school taking my social skills for granted and being guaranteed a normal circle of friends and being an insider.

But, despite all that, no matter how angry and resentful I feel, I still wouldn't go killing NTs for being NT, because, well, what's the point? It just gives autism a bad name, makes everyone hate you, makes an innocent family grieve over their loved one that you killed, and you have to spend the rest of your life rotting in prison. No way, thanks.

The best thing to do is to let it all out on forums like these.

I don't empathize with the killing either. Those incidents have set back progress instead of helping it.