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NT and Aspie Communication

icesyckel said:
Nurse - my wife just called me and asked if she could visit a friend tonight rather than spend time with me. Ironically, as it has been a week since I last saw my wife, I am actually disappointed, but I said yes. I did not express to her that I was disappointed even though we have actually argued and recently that I feel she has spent too much time with her friends and not enough with me. This after she had agreed to stay in with me this weekend after said argument.

I tell you this for two reasons: (1) to show you that people on the spectrum do miss others sometimes even when we don't say it; and (2) how I am compromising with my wife but not changing in the process. I am still disappointed she chose to go see her friend tonight when we've not seen each other in a week, but I know she needs to spend time with her friends whom she also has not seen in 2 weeks. So, I will compromise with her and spend time with her tomorrow.

Her expecting me to agree to this is expecting me to compromise. If she expected me to somehow change my attitude about this and not be disappointed/upset, then that is a change I am incapable of making. If I was okay with this situation, then I wouldn't be me... not at all.
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It's not the weekend yet - you still have Saturday and Sunday to spend together. You have any guy friends? Maybe it could be a "guy night".

OR

As an NT and a woman, maybe your wife would have been tickled pink to know you were a "little" disappointed, but still say it's ok for her to go out with her friends tonight and you'll be looking forward to the weekend you two will have together. (Then send her a tastefully "naughty" text while she's out with her friends to let her know what she missed! ;)
 
nurseangela said:
Those symptoms would probably take me about a day to recover (if I have a migraine). Is it different for an Aspie? And how often does this happen?
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Most things are different for an aspie. It's in many ways a diagnosis of differentiation. It's the things that make us atypical or different that make us aspies. It's why I don't think of it as a disability or cause for shame. We're not mentally ill or disabled. We're just different, which in another thread someone pointed out can result in disability - in a world where most people are X and you are Y, everything is made designed and developed to be suitable for X people, and Y people aren't inherently flawed, but the world isn't designed for the Y folks.

Being left-handed, it is a ***** to shop for golf clubs, scissors, or even fishing poles. Being an Aspie is like being left-handed but exponentially more arduous.

So, you can recover from stress and a migraine in a day. Sometimes so can I. However, the thing causing your stress/migraine isn't perpetually waiting outside your door. I step outside into a world that is designed for other people and that is annoyed by me in my natural state. I have to play make believe from the time I step outside my door. The thing causing the stress is perpetually there, all the time, waiting to bring the migraine back. Being alone is like a vacation from that.

I had a friend once I now think was on the spectrum. Being around him almost never stressed me out. Everything was easy and came naturally. He was one person in a million. (Then he got married and his wife hated me.)

I still love my family and friends. I'm not some ungrateful monster who hates the world. Sometimes, I just need a break from it. How long a break often depends on how long it has been since my last break. Got to recharge. If I go outside, it starts draining again.

Think of it this way: I am a rechargeable battery. Being alone is like being in the charging cradle. Being around most people, even if I like them, is sucking energy from them. How long does it take to recover? How much energy was sucked? Some tasks suck away more than others - e.g. parties.
 
nurseangela said:
Those symptoms would probably take me about a day to recover (if I have a migraine). Is it different for an Aspie? And how often does this happen?
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That's a loaded question. Aspies can be different in so many ways. Especially for those of us with comorbid clinical depression. For me it can last a hours, a day, a week for even six months. There's no time limit on my shutdowns. Intellectually it doesn't keep me from being nominally functional, but emotionally I might diminished in some way for an extended time.

And it's all relevant to recovery based largely on solitude. Sound familiar? ;)
 
To me (NT girl), a "change" is when a person does things differently from what they are used to. For instance, I can't stand it when someone smokes. But, my Aspie friend says he likes to have a cigar every now and then. If we ever met and he wanted to smoke a cigar, I wouldn't stop him because that would be "changing" him and I can live with him wanting to smoke a cigar (I'm compromising). If he were to like smoking cigarettes, I couldn't live with that and would have to therefore leave. Changing one's "feelings" isn't (to me) an actual "change" in one's behavior. Just like if he were to enjoy a certain hobby I wouldn't want him to change and not enjoy that hobby anymore. So in regards to the communication and texting, we would have to reach an "agreement" that is ok with both of us and in all likelihood both of us would have to "change" from what we are used to, but it would be a "compromise" because we both would agree to it.

Are we talking about the same thing? Sometimes in a "compromise" a person has to "change" him/herself for the other person.
 
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icesyckel said:
Most things are different for an aspie. It's in many ways a diagnosis of differentiation. It's the things that make us atypical or different that make us aspies. It's why I don't think of it as a disability or cause for shame. We're not mentally ill or disabled. We're just different, which in another thread someone pointed out can result in disability - in a world where most people are X and you are Y, everything is made designed and developed to be suitable for X people, and Y people aren't inherently flawed, but the world isn't designed for the Y folks.

Being left-handed, it is a ***** to shop for golf clubs, scissors, or even fishing poles. Being an Aspie is like being left-handed but exponentially more arduous.

So, you can recover from stress and a migraine in a day. Sometimes so can I. However, the thing causing your stress/migraine isn't perpetually waiting outside your door. I step outside into a world that is designed for other people and that is annoyed by me in my natural state. I have to play make believe from the time I step outside my door. The thing causing the stress is perpetually there, all the time, waiting to bring the migraine back. Being alone is like a vacation from that.

I had a friend once I now think was on the spectrum. Being around him almost never stressed me out. Everything was easy and came naturally. He was one person in a million. (Then he got married and his wife hated me.)

I still love my family and friends. I'm not some ungrateful monster who hates the world. Sometimes, I just need a break from it. How long a break often depends on how long it has been since my last break. Got to recharge. If I go outside, it starts draining again.

Think of it this way: I am a rechargeable battery. Being alone is like being in the charging cradle. Being around most people, even if I like them, is sucking energy from them. How long does it take to recover? How much energy was sucked? Some tasks suck away more than others - e.g. parties.
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I get it. And it makes me sad because what it means is just to text my Aspie friend is a draining activity when it should be fun. It makes me almost not want to talk to him because it sounds like I'd be making him uncomfortable. I especially don't want to zap his energy since he has a lot going on right now with going to school full time and working too. How could he ever look forward to talking to me if he knows that he might feel like crap afterwards?
 
nurseangela said:
To me (NT girl), a "change" is when a person does things differently from what they are used to. For instance, I can't stand it when someone smokes. But, my Aspie friend says he likes to have a cigar every now and then. If we ever met and he wanted to smoke a cigar, I wouldn't stop him because that would be "changing" him and I can live with him wanting to smoke a cigar (I'm compromising). If he were to like smoking cigarettes, I couldn't live with that and would have to therefore leave. Changing one's "feelings" isn't (to me) an actual "change" in one's behavior. Just like if he were to enjoy a certain hobby I wouldn't want him to change and not enjoy that hobby anymore. So in regards to the communication and texting, we would have to reach an "agreement" that is ok with both of us and in all likelihood both of us would have to "change" from what we are used to, but it would be a "compromise" because we both would agree to it.

Are we talking about the same thing? Sometimes in a "compromise" a person has to "change" him/herself for the other person.
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I do think we're off a bit in one respect. A compromise can require a change in behavior, habits, or contribution. However, if a "compromise" requires a change in personality, identity, worldview, overarching perspective, or state of being, then it is no longer a compromise because one party is changing an integral part of himself/herself, which if even possible, is a total sacrifice not a compromise.

Asking an aspie to think and act like an NT is not asking for a compromise. You are asking him to change himself. If you were asking him to try and text you more often, then that is one thing. But you want him to text you even just to say he doesn't want to text. That is too far to be "compromise" in my view - this is a social rule more NT guys couldn't handle.

It can be a fine line - is this just a behavior to be compromised. If you're dating a guy, and say he's really sarcastic, then maybe you can expect him to curtail the topics of his sarcasm, but when you tell him to stop being sarcastic - no you are changing HIM, not just his behavior. I maintain that is not a compromise but a total surrender of oneself.

Bad example, but is Raphael the TMNT stopped being sarcastic, then he wouldn't be Raphael. He'd be like, maybe Leonardo?

You shouldn't expect people to change in order to be/stay your friend just as you should never expect to marry a guy and "fix" (change) him after, but that is why you see so much divorce. Sometimes people do change, but it has to be their choice. If they're forced or coerced, then that's more like brainwashing.
 
nurseangela said:
I get it. And it makes me sad because what it means is just to text my Aspie friend is a draining activity when it should be fun. It makes me almost not want to talk to him because it sounds like I'd be making him uncomfortable. I especially don't want to zap his energy since he has a lot going on right now with going to school full time and working too. How could he ever look forward to talking to me if he knows that he might feel like crap afterwards?
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It could be those other things that "zap" him/are draining his battery more so than you. At any rate, don't mistake being drained with not having fun.

I can have fun at a party, but it is still draining, and that is the hardest part to explain. I enjoy many of the conversations I have that wear me out the most. I have a friend who climbs mountains. It wears him out, but he loves it. Don't confuse your friend's exhaustion with lack of interest or enthusiasm in your friendship.

Now, having tried to explain that to my wife, I know that is hard for an NT to understand, but it is true.
 
Judge said:
That's a loaded question. Aspies can be different in so many ways. Especially for those of us with comorbid clinical depression. For me it can last a hours, a day, a week for even six months. There's no time limit on my shutdowns. Intellectually it doesn't keep me from being nominally functional, but emotionally I might diminished in some way for an extended time.

And it's all relevant to recovery based largely on solitude. Sound familiar? ;)
Click to expand...

Yeah I get the depression sometimes, but for me it is more co-morbid anxiety. Because of that, I am guessing what we experience when we wipe out is a little different. Sometimes I feel like I am about to have a heart attack I am so over-anxious.
 
icesyckel said:
I do think we're off a bit in one respect. A compromise can require a change in behavior, habits, or contribution. However, if a "compromise" requires a change in personality, identity, worldview, overarching perspective, or state of being, then it is no longer a compromise because one party is changing an integral part of himself/herself, which if even possible, is a total sacrifice not a compromise.

Asking an aspie to think and act like an NT is not asking for a compromise. You are asking him to change himself. If you were asking him to try and text you more often, then that is one thing. But you want him to text you even just to say he doesn't want to text. That is too far to be "compromise" in my view - this is a social rule more NT guys couldn't handle.

It can be a fine line - is this just a behavior to be compromised. If you're dating a guy, and say he's really sarcastic, then maybe you can expect him to curtail the topics of his sarcasm, but when you tell him to stop being sarcastic - no you are changing HIM, not just his behavior. I maintain that is not a compromise but a total surrender of oneself.

Bad example, but is Raphael the TMNT stopped being sarcastic, then he wouldn't be Raphael. He'd be like, maybe Leonardo?

You shouldn't expect people to change in order to be/stay your friend just as you should never expect to marry a guy and "fix" (change) him after, but that is why you see so much divorce. Sometimes people do change, but it has to be their choice. If they're forced or coerced, then that's more like brainwashing.
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I don't get it. So if I text him what should I expect that's reasonable from his side?
 
icesyckel said:
Yeah I get the depression sometimes, but for me it is more co-morbid anxiety. Because of that, I am guessing what we experience when we wipe out is a little different. Sometimes I feel like I am about to have a heart attack I am so over-anxious.
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( FYI If you're having symptoms of a heart attack make sure you hightail it to the ER. Anxiety can mask an MI.)
 
o2tosin said:
So your corpus luteum has shrivelled up eh... Ponstan is OTC in Australia.
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That was a rude way of saying it. If you mean is Auntie Flo on permanent vacation, then - No, she still visits and is a pain in the a**. It's too bad that I can't send her for a vacation to Australia to make a special friend. :)
 
No, a corpus luteum is a cyclic phenomenon. I could have also said somthing about a rapid reduction in your serum progesterone. I was not implying menopause but simply PMT. A prime cause for grumpiness in nubiles...
 
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