NT and Aspie Communication

[Judge]

LOL! That was my college nickname. Oddly enough, I didn't mind it at all,

Mine was "Space Cowboy". An NT in the dorms called me that and it stuck. Guess it could have been worse!

 

[icesyckel]

Sure, "Random" is certainly better than, say, "turdbreath," but I'd have certainly preferred something "cooler" at the time.

 

[icesyckel]

Mine was "Space Cowboy". An NT in the dorms called me that and it stuck. Guess it could have been worse!

Yeah - you could've been "Random" (i.e., the guy who nobody can follow or understand). Admittedly, I had it better than "Stoner" - that guy's nickname stuck so hard that I to this day have no friggin idea what his real name was...

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I have a question regarding communication - in regards to me and my Aspie friend. As an NT, I know how Aspies sometimes don't always want to talk because it takes a lot of energy. With that being said, I also don't see it being that difficult to tell someone (that texts you or phones you) that you just don't feel like talking to them at that time. I would respect a person more for doing that than just ignoring my texts or phone calls altogether. When a person does not get their text or phone calls answered in a timely manner (within a day or two), it makes that person feel like they are unimportant and taken for granted and I also think it is rude.

Is not answering texts or phone calls something that a lot of Aspies do? Am I expecting too much from my Aspie friend by wanting an answer to my texts (even if its just to say he doesn't feel like talking)?

 

[Ylva]

Do you ask him stuff? It took me hours to realise, the last time I got a "get well" text, that I should send "thank you" back.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Do you ask him stuff? It took me hours to realise, the last time I got a "get well" text, that I should send "thank you" back.

It's been 5 days since I have talked to him. We used to text about every other day, at least, even if it was only to say "hi" and "goodnight". I sent a text Saturday and it was completely ignored. I've been talking to him almost 7 months now and this has happened before, but I can't get used to not receiving an answer to my texts even if it's just to say "I don't feel like talking now." I don't think I'm expecting too much as I would expect this from any of my friends. Now that he's working and going to school full time I know he doesn't have much time to talk to me and I understand that. I know how Aspies get obsessed with certain things and I know he works very hard in school and at work. I'm just afraid that he's forgotten about me and now I'm like a teakettle on the stove that only gets any attention if I'm whistling and making too much noise.

 

[Ylva]

Maybe tell him some of that? When I was in uni I often just didn't have the energy to text my own mother. It's like periodic catatonia, you have to recharge somehow, and for some reason sleeping just won't do. And I did forget a lot.

Still, you have a perfect right to get a response. So talk to him. Maybe he can schedule half an hour in the afternoon or some afternoons for telecommunication. And don't be afraid to be direct, that's the least energy consuming form of communication.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Maybe tell him some of that? When I was in uni I often just didn't have the energy to text my own mother. It's like periodic catatonia, you have to recharge somehow, and for some reason sleeping just won't do. And I did forget a lot.

Still, you have a perfect right to get a response. So talk to him. Maybe he can schedule half an hour in the afternoon or some afternoons for telecommunication. And don't be afraid to be direct, that's the least energy consuming form of communication.

I've said something before and he just says that he can't talk as much as I want to talk. Thing is even though I've been talking to him for 7 months now, if I go this long (5 days) without hearing from him I start to forget about him then and he seems to be not even in the "friend" category for me anymore. I talk with people on this site (like you) more than I talk to him these days. If he's tired of talking to me I wish he would just come out and say so. I don't like being ignored. And you know what the sad part is, he probably thinks everything is just fine between us. I'm tired of explaining myself to him about why I need to hear from my friends more than just "every now and then". Like I have said before, actions speak louder than words and ignoring my texts is just rude - and that goes for anyone, not just him. I'm just going to wait for him to text me now - I don't want to become a bother.

Any Aspie reading this, a friendship/relationship can't survive without communicating. A lot of Aspies want friendships, but if it's with an NT there has to be communication of some sort - telephone, texts or emails, otherwise it just won't work I'm sorry to say.

 

[Waltsingmatilda]

It's been 5 days since I have talked to him. We used to text about every other day, at least, even if it was only to say "hi" and "goodnight". I sent a text Saturday and it was completely ignored. I've been talking to him almost 7 months now and this has happened before, but I can't get used to not receiving an answer to my texts even if it's just to say "I don't feel like talking now." I don't think I'm expecting too much as I would expect this from any of my friends. Now that he's working and going to school full time I know he doesn't have much time to talk to me and I understand that. I know how Aspies get obsessed with certain things and I know he works very hard in school and at work. I'm just afraid that he's forgotten about me and now I'm like a teakettle on the stove that only gets any attention if I'm whistling and making too much noise.

Being an NT in a relationship with an Aspie, I can tell you, from my experience, this happens but not considered to be rude or an insult. My son has a phone ( aspie too) and forgets to charge it, turn it on and just doesn't check it. Loves gaming but not interested in phones and texting. Hubby only replies if totally necessary, if I have asked a question.

 

[Ylva]

It's a bit like smalltalk. I have had the same experience with NTs sometimes, and then it feels like we're merely aquaintances.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Being an NT in a relationship with an Aspie, I can tell you, from my experience, this happens but not considered to be rude or an insult. My son has a phone ( aspie too) and forgets to charge it, turn it on and just doesn't check it. Loves gaming but not interested in phones and texting. Hubby only replies if totally necessary, if I have asked a question.

I understand what you're saying. The thing is the first three months or so he had no problems texting me and starting conversations. What is different now? And I would be ok if he just said a short sentence of "hi, I'm doing ok, but can't talk right now." What I get is nothing. One night this month I wasn't feeling well and just didn't feel like talking to anyone and he texted me. I didn't text back right then, but I did the next day explaining my actions of not texting him back the night before. If he can't remember to text me then write a reminder note - unless I'm just not that important. I think it's getting to me because I take my friendships more seriously than that. Keeping a friendship going isn't easy and that's probably why real friendships are few and far between.

 

[Waltsingmatilda]

Try not to read to much into it. If your unsure give them a quick call and ask them if thers. Problem, you will soon know one way or another.

 

[The Penguin]

Have patience with me if I have trouble getting to the point.

 

[Ylva]

Maybe he is afraid of seeming too clingy. Been there.

 

[icesyckel]

I have a question regarding communication - in regards to me and my Aspie friend. As an NT, I know how Aspies sometimes don't always want to talk because it takes a lot of energy. With that being said, I also don't see it being that difficult to tell someone (that texts you or phones you) that you just don't feel like talking to them at that time. I would respect a person more for doing that than just ignoring my texts or phone calls altogether. When a person does not get their text or phone calls answered in a timely manner (within a day or two), it makes that person feel like they are unimportant and taken for granted and I also think it is rude.

Is not answering texts or phone calls something that a lot of Aspies do? Am I expecting too much from my Aspie friend by wanting an answer to my texts (even if its just to say he doesn't feel like talking)?

As you have noticed, I talk/write a lot when I have something to say. When I don't, however, I don't generally feel the need to talk/write just to fill in awkward silences. That is more an NT trait. How much I talk is a measure of my interest in the subject, not the person.

My advice? Litmus test. Dispense with pleasantries/small talk (e.g., "How you doing, haven't heard from you in a while..." ick). Instead, text your friend something intended to spark his/her interest. If s/he still does not respond, then there might be an issue with you personally. Alternatively, something might be going on with that person.

However, I never feel the need to answer texts about weather or measuring how long it has been since I talked to a friend. In my mind, a friend is a friend even if we haven't spoken in 6 months or 6 years.

 

[icesyckel]

I understand what you're saying. The thing is the first three months or so he had no problems texting me and starting conversations. What is different now? And I would be ok if he just said a short sentence of "hi, I'm doing ok, but can't talk right now." What I get is nothing. One night this month I wasn't feeling well and just didn't feel like talking to anyone and he texted me. I didn't text back right then, but I did the next day explaining my actions of not texting him back the night before. If he can't remember to text me then write a reminder note - unless I'm just not that important. I think it's getting to me because I take my friendships more seriously than that. Keeping a friendship going isn't easy and that's probably why real friendships are few and far between.

DISCLAIMER: The following is intended as constructive advice - just trying to help not not trying to make you feel bad.

The sentence in bold above? Don't do that with any guy, whether NT or ND. You don't need to explain why you couldn't return a text right away unless you're married to him or in a committed relationship. You're his friend (or something more), not his slave. I would feel really awkward if a girl felt she had to explain to me why she didn't text me back within a set time frame. I also wouldn't want a girl to expect me to do that unless we were either in a relationship or married.

The sentence that is underlined? I am fond of you Nurse, but this simply does not track logically. You cannot judge your importance to someone based on text message etiquette and should not attempt to do so. Heck, most guys my age are older than texting. The rules for texting etiquette are still in their infancy. Also, you have no idea what might be distracting him. It may have nothing to do with you. Granted, persistent failure to communicate over a prolonged period might be an indicator of importance in extreme cases, but even then there could be explanations. Ever read "The Girl Who Played with Fire?" Lisbeth Salander didn't speak to her friends for more than a year, and it had nothing to do with their importance to her (she's a widely theorized aspie). Remember that this guy's thought processes are different from yours.

The italicized sentence - for the same reasons, you shouldn't make assumptions about how seriously he takes your friendship just because he doesn't take certain actions or observe certain social protocols that you would observe in his place. I mean, that is like understanding the spectrum 101: don't expect us to think or socialize the same way you do. He might be incredibly fond of you and not text you for a month.

 

[icesyckel]

Interestingly, I have a friend who is NT but hates the phone calls/texting. I also don't like talking on the phone or texting.

I didn't hear from him but sporadically for 5 years, and vice versa, but he asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding, which I drove 8 hours one-way to do and would do again.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

As you have noticed, I talk/write a lot when I have something to say. When I don't, however, I don't generally feel the need to talk/write just to fill in awkward silences. That is more an NT trait. How much I talk is a measure of my interest in the subject, not the person.

My advice? Litmus test. Dispense with pleasantries/small talk (e.g., "How you doing, haven't heard from you in a while..." ick). Instead, text your friend something intended to spark his/her interest. If s/he still does not respond, then there might be an issue with you personally. Alternatively, something might be going on with that person.

However, I never feel the need to answer texts about weather or measuring how long it has been since I talked to a friend. In my mind, a friend is a friend even if we haven't spoken in 6 months or 6 years.

"However, I never feel the need to answer texts about weather or measuring how long it has been since I talked to a friend. In my mind, a friend is a friend even if we haven't spoken in 6 months or 6 years."

That's not how it is in NT Land (with women anyway). I spoke with my Aspie friend last night - it had been 7 days which probably doesn't seem long to any "guy", but for me if this were to continue he would be only an "acquaintance" to me. The longer I don't talk to someone my "feelings" for them fade. That's not a friendship to me. In a friendship (IMO for women), women need to communicate more in order to feel a "connection".

My other point is, if someone thinks you're important enough to them to send you a text in the first place, have the decency to answer them back even if it's to say you don't feel like talking or will talk to them later. Don't just ignore the text - that's rude (I don't even have to look that one up in my "Rudeness Manual" to confirm that it's rude) and it says to the other person that they just aren't that important to even warrant any amount of your time. I recently had a "friend" from 20 yrs ago who got mad at me for not going out to dinner with her spur-of-the-moment and didn't talk to me again for 3 whole months then texted me to see how I was doing. What?! I never texted her back because of the way she treated me. Friendships are too important to me to be treated like that - I'd probably get better treatment by my neighbor "the Biatch" (long story in another thread about noisy neighbors).

 

[Grumpy Cat]

DISCLAIMER: The following is intended as constructive advice - just trying to help not not trying to make you feel bad.

The sentence in bold above? Don't do that with any guy, whether NT or ND. You don't need to explain why you couldn't return a text right away unless you're married to him or in a committed relationship. You're his friend (or something more), not his slave. I would feel really awkward if a girl felt she had to explain to me why she didn't text me back within a set time frame. I also wouldn't want a girl to expect me to do that unless we were either in a relationship or married.

The sentence that is underlined? I am fond of you Nurse, but this simply does not track logically. You cannot judge your importance to someone based on text message etiquette and should not attempt to do so. Heck, most guys my age are older than texting. The rules for texting etiquette are still in their infancy. Also, you have no idea what might be distracting him. It may have nothing to do with you. Granted, persistent failure to communicate over a prolonged period might be an indicator of importance in extreme cases, but even then there could be explanations. Ever read "The Girl Who Played with Fire?" Lisbeth Salander didn't speak to her friends for more than a year, and it had nothing to do with their importance to her (she's a widely theorized aspie). Remember that this guy's thought processes are different from yours.

The italicized sentence - for the same reasons, you shouldn't make assumptions about how seriously he takes your friendship just because he doesn't take certain actions or observe certain social protocols that you would observe in his place. I mean, that is like understanding the spectrum 101: don't expect us to think or socialize the same way you do. He might be incredibly fond of you and not text you for a month.

1) "You don't need to explain why you couldn't return a text right away unless you're married to him or in a committed relationship."

I do that with all my friends (including him) and I apologize. I don't expect him to tell me what he was doing, but I would like an answer to my text within a normal amount of time. I also do that with any phone calls I receive.

2) "Lisbeth Salander didn't speak to her friends for more than a year, and it had nothing to do with their importance to her (she's a widely theorized aspie). Remember that this guy's thought processes are different from yours."

I understand what you are saying, however, it's different with NT's and that could be why Aspies may have a problem keeping NT friends. I know he needs his time alone and that doesn't bother me, what does bother me is not answering my texts (that's the only form of communication we have). I also am usually the one to initiate contact because if I didn't we probably wouldn't talk for several weeks (I talk to other people on this site more than that and I don't consider them as close of a friend as he is). I have changed the way that I talk with him because I know he isn't used to talking as much as I am, but he should also try to accommodate what makes me comfortable in a friendship and that is staying in contact a little more often even if it's just to say a few words - I don't even expect a conversation.

3) "for the same reasons, you shouldn't make assumptions about how seriously he takes your friendship just because he doesn't take certain actions or observe certain social protocols that you would observe in his place. I mean, that is like understanding the spectrum 101: don't expect us to think or socialize the same way you do. He might be incredibly fond of you and not text you for a month."

And what I say to that is that kind of contact is not enough to sustain a friendship (for me). If we had other forms of communication (such as seeing each other every once in a while), then texting or calling once a month would be ok. A long distance friendship is different and needs more communication to make up for lack of personal contact (for me).

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Interestingly, I have a friend who is NT but hates the phone calls/texting. I also don't like talking on the phone or texting.

I didn't hear from him but sporadically for 5 years, and vice versa, but he asked me to be a groomsman in his wedding, which I drove 8 hours one-way to do and would do again.

He's a guy - that's why. And is that really a "real" friendship? (I really think guys are different when it comes to friendships.)