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Xinyta

Xinyta

♡Goofy genderfluid person♡ They/Them/She/Her 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta
    I've broken the chains of depression. (Sadist the Reaper)

    I've overcome hate. (Val-Se)

    My fight now, is to end misery. (Azeth)

    Even now my mind faces the all encompassing feeling of misery. Taking with me the faith to get through. Forgiving myself and moving on from my past, bit by bit.
    Tired
    Tired
    You'll get through, you're on the right track.
    Xinyta

    This is feels like the best way to define my headspace right now. Especially after coming to terms with psychosis.
    Xinyta

    This song is me, as I stand now. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. Seeing the nightmare I've lived and wanting to leave it for good.

    I want to be silent no longer. Hide my pain no more. End the internalization. End the hell.
    Xinyta

    This has been stuck in my head for a while now. This plays in my head alot. Especailly in the morning, when I wake and in moments that I feel great about things.

    Maybe I found something that describes the unceasing fire in me.
    Xinyta
    It maybe because I am tired. But I feel... like I don't belong here. That I wasted my time signing up and claiming something I really am not sure of I have or not... not that I ever paid attention in the first place... or gave a crap in trying to...
    View previous comments…
    Kayla55
    Kayla55
    I find it hard to resolve abuse without being treated as if I'm from dysfunctional family and have a disease. Most on forum are nice, dealing with issues don't always make distinction to let you know you misfit. And it really does need to come out. Seems more I tried to mask/conform the more demands from men came until I no longer had needs
    All-Rounder
    All-Rounder
    It even has a name, and it happens to students of very renowned colleges like Harvard, Imposter Syndrome.

    An inability to realistically assess your competence and skills
    Attributing your traits to external factors
    Berating your traits
    Fear that you won't live up to expectations
    Overachieving
    Sabotaging your own progress
    Self-doubt
    Setting very challenging goals and feeling disappointed when you fall short
    All-Rounder
    All-Rounder
    For me taking various autism and autistic related tests helped as an example. Have you taken any tests like this? If yes were your scores indicative of autism? One strong tool that is used in the diagnosis of autism is the RAADS test. It looks like a rainbow round image when the result is shown, maybe you've seen it before.

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    Xinyta

    After some time of trying to figure myself out. Coming to some serious realizations lately. I come back to this song and find that it has a deep meaning for me. Far deeper than I've ever was willing to admit in the past. How deep my pain really has been.
    Xinyta
    Things feel like they are going on the upswing for me again. I just need to keep having faith and overcome the hurdles as they come. Though I think my focus is going to be largely trying to interact more. My other problems will resolve, as I do that. Not easily mind you. But I'd prefer it to be difficult. Life is no fun, without hardship anyway.
    Xinyta
    I feel like I have a new understanding of the path I need to take. It's going to be hard and long road. And it's been rather tough getting here. To this point. Seeing myself grow. Seeing a change that I once thought was impossible.

    Nothing is impossible. Not when you have nothing to lose.
    Xinyta
    20240807_183103.webp


    "A time of introspection"

    This is a sketch I did at a whim. I started with the crooked tree and it evolved from there. It seems drawing something, without knowing what exactly to draw. Brings out the artistic me more.

    I'm pretty happy with this.
    Xinyta
    It's difficult to find reasons to be happy. But I have felt better, lately, about myself.

    In other news. Replacing the heating element in the oven tomorrow. Yay. Work.
    Xinyta
    I feel like I have gained more control of the thought processes that haunt me. My dreams even are showing a difference. I feel I am facing the blackhole that once took control. The control it had shrinking.

    This doesn't change that I'll have moments of weakness. But even that will go away eventually.
    Xinyta
    I have some things to think about. But I have figured out what this mentality is that I have. Truthfully. It's been in my face and I didn't see it forever. Now I am digesting th he fact that it's the case.
    Xinyta
    20240726_100828.webp


    Stepmother Speaks... the endless voice in my head.

    The 'Monster Teeth' one I should give context to. This was said to me by her when I was wearing braces. She called my misaligned teeth, monster teeth. The adult teeth were stuck in the gums because the few baby teeth I had were still there.
    View previous comments…
    Kayla55
    Kayla55
    Finally surfaced, I listened bit alternative music, some of us did as never fitted in. But I steer far clear of what I saw in black metal satanism, having seen Hollywood scandal it was like so much similar
    Kayla55
    Kayla55
    Belthezar or something had song 'blow trumpets Gabriel'
    If this is devil worship and GMO or just publicity idiots....I really don't like it. It's played on some underground websites but try not see occult and think, oh
    I don't want to know, I suppose my survival is limited but that I won't do for success.
    Kayla55
    Kayla55
    A double edge sword, my stepmom was evil blond women but I notice she's not only one in my existence who was evil.
    Seems some sell soul to devil for success, not joining BRICS, warned my African friends it will cost them. Mostly people = selfish = .....
    So just keep to myself because USA is sheep next to certain wolves
    Xinyta
    Inconsequential desires
    Broken dreams
    Heavens above
    Hell beneath
    A tug from all angles
    But chains dig deep
    Collared and left to rot
    Like a forgetful master to thier pet
    Tormented by the absence of love
    Tormented by lies
    The darkness is hard to forget
    Xinyta

    This song is the embodiment of the mental state I've been in. The music video would give better context, to why I believe this. However, it's a bit on the graphic side.
    Xinyta
    Today, I truly feel like I am broken. A feeling I've numbed myself to and purposefully ignored. It's like I felt everything I've ever hidden, hit me all at once. All I could do is sit and feel through it. Try to understand it. I don't think I can go back now.
    All-Rounder
    All-Rounder
    Feeling these feelings is important so that the brain gets the chance to process them. Hope you feel better soon
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    We are all broken. Some of us are more self-aware of it than others.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    @All-Rounder @jsilver256

    I will get better. I just am now focusing on perminately breaking this haze that keeps me ignorant to the world around me. I see how hindered I am and I see what's what. It's not about blaming anymore. It's about taking responsibility.
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