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Has my “time” come so to say?

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If you are referring to me, I never followed you on toxic planet.
And I am not a detractor.
 
tree said:
Thanks for the clarification.

View attachment 131349

The uncertainty arises with the word "but."

Saying you don't believe that was the case "but it hangs on a single photo" gives
the impression (to me) that you wanted to believe he wasn't trolling,
however it was a possibility, depending on his intention when he
posted the photo.

I don't know what the "throwaway comment" was.
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I'm not going to discuss "correct English", nor will I explicitly defend what I wrote unless you really need me to. Should that be the case, you need to open by proving it's ambiguous (it's not BTW - you'll be wasting your time).

For clarity: I'm a native English speaker, and I use the language correctly and accurately. Typos are inevitable of course, but that wasn't one. It might be relevant is that I'm not from the US. US English is somewhat simpler than what the rest of us speak, which may have been a factor in this.

That's not the most likely explanation though.

FWIW my speech is closer to formal written English than it is for most native speakers.
Most of what I write here is fairly close to the way I would say the same thing in a "live" conversation. I don't live in an English-speaking country, so I know how to "dial down" the complexity of structure and vocabulary when I write and speak. But I don't need to do that in writing here for non-native speakers, so it never seemed necessary in an English-language forum.
 
Jonn said:
Asking someone out for a coffee is a very benign thing to do.
It is a trope, well understood, and nothing to be ashamed of.
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Perspective: You have to understand that we've been at this fellow literally for years.

In his case nothing seems "benign" at all. Where absolute fear is his worst enemy. For him and others here, even asking someone out for coffee can be a monumental task.
 
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@Markness

I've never asked someone out for coffee in my life.

I've never been asked out for coffee in my life.

There is too much pressure on you to fulfill this idea of getting a coffee date and exchanging phone numbers.

This is not the only way to have friends and meet potential partners.

I would urge you to do something. Unstructured social interactions can be the most difficult kind. Find an activity where you are naturally interacting with others and getting to know people through the activity at hand.

I know you say you've tried things like volunteering and joining clubs and the gym and it did not result in what you wanted. Well? Keep trying. Few people on this forum have simply gotten what they want the first few times around. Keep trying.
 
Rodafina said:
I would urge you to do something. Unstructured social interactions can be the most difficult kind. Find an activity where you are naturally interacting with others and getting to know people through the activity at hand.

I know you say you've tried things like volunteering and joining clubs and the gym and it did not result in what you wanted. Well? Keep trying. Few people on this forum have simply gotten what they want the first few times around. Keep trying.
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Exactly. It doesn't have to be a coffee date necessarily. It could be something else, that may reflect less pressure. That has to be up to him. Whatever might work...and has some kind of "workable comfort level" to him. And above all, a willingness to try.

I know when I was set up for a blind date, it was terrifying and ended badly. But I knew I had to push myself well beyond all those boundaries of fear that kept me from meeting people. For me such a "head-on" approach didn't work either.

With me going to adult photography classes allowed some fun, as well as the occasional opportunity to meet people. In one case a friendship seemed to take hold, right up until I asked her out when she turned me down cold. Yet we did enjoy a number of photography outings together. Oh well. Another time in another photography class such an encounter ended up with a relationship lasting about six months.

I still kind of chuckle looking back at the expression of my photography instructor each time I kept returning to his classes over a couple of years. I think he caught onto me! LOL...

But yes- the most important this is that you have to keep trying. So work at a suitable comfort level to attain, if even just for friends.
 
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Judge said:
Perspective: You have to understand that we've been at this fellow literally for years.
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I do understand that.
As I have mentioned, I haven't.
"I am learning the ropes."

Judge said:
I know when I was set up for a blind date, it was terrifying and ended badly. But I knew I had to push myself well beyond all those boundaries of fear that kept me from meeting people. For me such a "head-on" approach didn't work either.
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Well, I see asking someone out for a coffee as "information gathering".

Consider:
If the lady accepts, there is an indication that:
1. She may be interested in making a friendship.
2. She may be interested in becoming more than a friend when she gets to know you better.

If the lady doesn't accept, there is an indication that:
1. She is not interested in any form of deeper social interaction.
2. She has a boyfriend.

If you leave the offer for a coffee open-ended without time constraints, the possibility of valid scheduling conflicts is out of the equation.
You won't get the classic: "I'm sorry, I am washing my hair that day." ;)

I have always considered it is best to approach a situation like this with a friendship mindset.
Who knows, you may not get on with the person when you learn more about them.
Once you get to know them better, the "next step" could be considered.

And as I and others have mentioned before, a friend would have more social contacts that may lead to something else. :cool:
 
Rodafina said:
@Markness

I've never asked someone out for coffee in my life.

I've never been asked out for coffee in my life.

There is too much pressure on you to fulfill this idea of getting a coffee date and exchanging phone numbers.

This is not the only way to have friends and meet potential partners.

I would urge you to do something. Unstructured social interactions can be the most difficult kind. Find an activity where you are naturally interacting with others and getting to know people through the activity at hand.

I know you say you've tried things like volunteering and joining clubs and the gym and it did not result in what you wanted. Well? Keep trying. Few people on this forum have simply gotten what they want the first few times around. Keep trying.
Click to expand...
I can’t find any activity groups when I search for them these days.
 
Jonn said:
Would you like to virtually go out for a virtual coffee?
There, you can't say that any more.
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Perhaps you are joking, yet you have illustrated my point. My point was that asking someone out for coffee can be very unnatural and sets one up for rejection. Some people, like me, are not interested in being asked nor flattered by being asked. It just makes them uncomfortable and the answer will be no.

I recommend not asking one for coffee and finding other more natural ways to interact with people.
 
Rodafina said:
Some people, like me, are not interested in being asked nor flattered by being asked. It just makes them uncomfortable and the answer will be no.
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And some ppl are not devastated by a rejection.
My point is made. :cool:
 
Since I know love drinking coffee and hanging out in coffee shops that is the exact place I would ask a girl to hang out if I ever had the guts to do it which I don't because I am always afraid of she has a boyfriend. Many times I find out she does when her darn boyfriend shows up later then I think all women have boyfriends until I talk to a wise person like my new pastor then I find the first women to be kind at game night that bought me to the new church was single all along not by choice and is content.
 
I think Rodafina is right coffee dates can be awkward I've been on one and it felt like a job interview, why haven't you got a career etc lol
 
thejuice said:
I think Rodafina is right coffee dates can be awkward I've been on one and it felt like a job interview, why haven't you got a career etc lol
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The dreaded "d-word". Being social is one thing. However when it becomes wrapped around the ritual of dating, it's wandering into a realm of unwritten rules and regulations where intentions are clear, yet supposed to be suppressed.

A classic scenario that many if not most of us cringe at. I know I did. I came to the conclusion early in my adult life that the whole institution of dating was simply not for me. It never precluded me from having desires of a relationship with someone, but it did mean that if and when the opportunity arose, that I had to go about it in a very different way.

That I knew I had to get to know someone to a certain extent before expressing any desires towards them. And that the process demanded the reciprocal of them getting to know me as well. And that it had to be done outside the realm of rituals such as "dating" where there were just too many pressures to say or do the wrong thing in a game where I could never understand, let alone rationalize all the rules.

Of course part of this process involved accepting that in most cases I was likely to make a few select friends and nothing more. Yet we can all use friends for any number of reasons. I just chose to do so in as much as was possible outside the realm of the appearance of dating. Which took enormous social pressure off me, and to some extent the NT women I befriended. Who in a few cases went beyond friendship into long term relationships.

Of course this was decades before I learned who and what I am in the neurological sense. But I look back now and realize that I did the right thing given my own social and romantic limitations.
To effectively bypass all the precarious rituals of "dating". And that while I accepted such limitations which might preclude a friendship from being anything more, that depending on the person in question, I might still have desires for them that went along just being pals. Though as an adult, I also knew that unless such feelings were reciprocated, it would never go past friendship alone.

Here's the thing. You have to struggle to get past an autistic mindset where everything is viewed conditionally- as one thing or another without exception. It ain't so in so many ways. Proving that there can be a very fine line between friendship and courtship. And in some cases, that line can be crossed temporarily as well as permanently. Or never crossed at all.

* I've always enjoyed friendship with the opposite sex more than with my own gender.
* I've had such friendships that eventually blossomed into long-term relationships.
* And in one case I had a friendship that very awkwardly bounced between both conditions.

Don't let the confines of rituals like dating preclude you from making a meaningful connection with another human being. But all of this still involves on fundamental reality. That you have to take the first step forward, and be willing to accept whatever happens as a result of it. And to the best of your ability, overcome your own sense of fear in taking that step.
 
Social isolation and anxiety have compounded my struggles to the point I fear that I will never get better.
 
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