NT and Aspie Communication

[Grumpy Cat]

My wife (NT) and I struggle a lot just over hugging. I hate being touched unexpectedly, but I love my wife, so I try to hug her as much as possible. It is easier if I can remember to initiate any sort of physical contact. But, like other NT's have expressed, my wife doesn't like to verbalize her thoughts/emotions all the time, so I cannot expect her to always tell me when she needs a hug or to remember to tell me that a hug is incoming. I now just try to keep her in my field of view so as to expect the unexpected. This has the unfortunate side effect of making me feel like I am on edge around her though, always watching to see if she is going to come at me.

I would definitely tell her how you feel about the unexpected hugs. As an NT, I wouldn't want my Aspie uncomfortable around me. You should be able to feel comfortable in your home environment.

 

[icesyckel]

Would it help if you asked your wife to make eye contact with you or wink when she is going to give you a hug? This way it plays to the preference of NTs tendency toward nonverbal communication. I can identify with how you feel as there are some places that I don't like being touched, namely my feet or my butt.

For me it is the stomach, head, or anywhere if by surprise. I don't think eye contact alone would be sufficient warning. Maybe a signal like a wink could work, but those are easy to miss. Certainly better than nothing, though. I still wish she could say, "Hey hon, can we snuggle now?" Then I could do make it happen in a way that doesn't freak me out. Again, has nothing to do with her.

We tried working on a signal for public situations when I need to shut up too. Unfortunately, before my mind kicks in, the first thing outta my mouth was, "Why are you hitting me?" Then I would get, "Oh yeah - that is the secret signal to shut up." It's not really been working.

But I am trying my old man's tried and true "toughen up and just deal with it" advice. Yeah, I don't like being touched sometimes, but lately I have just been biting my tongue when my wife initiates. Then I try to re-position her in a more comfortable/tolerable way. It isn't a perfect coping mechanism, but it really isn't always about what we as aspies/ASD's want/need. I know we talk about getting NT's to understand us better and managing their expectations, and I know some of us have more difficulty in accommodating NT needs than others, but for the sake of my marriage I try to just suck it up when I can. She's worth it, even if I am feeling anxious, sweaty, and near explosion, I just tell myself that I'll live, and I need to stop being a weenie (no one else here is a weenie - just something I tell myself as a motivator sometimes to "man up" for the wife's sake).

 

[Mattymatt]

For me it is the stomach, head, or anywhere if by surprise. I don't think eye contact alone would be sufficient warning. Maybe a signal like a wink could work, but those are easy to miss. Certainly better than nothing, though. I still wish she could say, "Hey hon, can we snuggle now?" Then I could do make it happen in a way that doesn't freak me out. Again, has nothing to do with her.

We tried working on a signal for public situations when I need to shut up too. Unfortunately, before my mind kicks in, the first thing outta my mouth was, "Why are you hitting me?" Then I would get, "Oh yeah - that is the secret signal to shut up." It's not really been working.

But I am trying my old man's tried and true "toughen up and just deal with it" advice. Yeah, I don't like being touched sometimes, but lately I have just been biting my tongue when my wife initiates. Then I try to re-position her in a more comfortable/tolerable way. It isn't a perfect coping mechanism, but it really isn't always about what we as aspies/ASD's want/need. I know we talk about getting NT's to understand us better and managing their expectations, and I know some of us have more difficulty in accommodating NT needs than others, but for the sake of my marriage I try to just suck it up when I can. She's worth it, even if I am feeling anxious, sweaty, and near explosion, I just tell myself that I'll live, and I need to stop being a weenie (no one else here is a weenie - just something I tell myself as a motivator sometimes to "man up" for the wife's sake).

Would you mind it if she reached for your wrist and squeezed it?

 

[icesyckel]

Would you mind it if she reached for your wrist and squeezed it?

Funny you should suggest that - she did try that. It can work in private. Problem is, in public, the unexpected stimulus provoked a reaction in my head that makes me stop talking - and noticeably so. The initial touch is so jarring for me that I immediately shut up and shiver, so it is obvious to everyone around us that something happened, and then I have to regain my focus to find a way to end whatever ti was I was saying/doing. It's hard to describe. You almost have to see it in action to see how the timing is a problem. When she grabs my wrist, there is a moment when I just freeze/squirm before I can do anything else.

 

[icesyckel]

I would definitely tell her how you feel about the unexpected hugs. As an NT, I wouldn't want my Aspie uncomfortable around me. You should be able to feel comfortable in your home environment.

She knows. Keep in mind, I was only Dx'd less than a week ago, and we've been married 6 years. My reaction to being touched is something she noticed before I did. I squirm away without thinking about it consciously, which makes her feel unwanted. I have had these sorts of behaviors for years, and only recently has she had the knowledge about me being an aspie to give it context. Still, even knowing my physical reaction is not something to do with her - it is academic/in her head. She still "feels" as if I don't want her to touch me b/c there is something wrong with her.

Most NT's don't just "get over" their feelings of that nature just b/c we give them a logical explanation any more than we can just "get over" out issues. I can tell her all day long that my issues with being touched are because of AS, and I think that helps, but it doesn't completely eliminate her NT emotional response to the perceived rejection. I don't blame her for that - it is how she is wired (don't want to be a hypocrite - my own wiring has caused issues).

The best work around I have is only available now that we know about AS. I observe more, and when this happens, she speaks up more. I respond with words and by doing the touching myself. Sometimes, I can position myself to allow her to do it after the fact. Bottom line, I cannot entirely the initial feeling of rejection she has when I pull away, but I can overcome it by giving her an increased and polar opposite sense of affection, if that makes sense. I sort of try to "love her out of it." It's so hard to verbalize these things sometimes, even for me.

 

[2aspirin]

She knows. Keep in mind, I was only Dx'd less than a week ago, and we've been married 6 years. My reaction to being touched is something she noticed before I did. I squirm away without thinking about it consciously, which makes her feel unwanted. I have had these sorts of behaviors for years, and only recently has she had the knowledge about me being an aspie to give it context. Still, even knowing my physical reaction is not something to do with her - it is academic/in her head. She still "feels" as if I don't want her to touch me b/c there is something wrong with her.

Most NT's don't just "get over" their feelings of that nature just b/c we give them a logical explanation any more than we can just "get over" out issues. I can tell her all day long that my issues with being touched are because of AS, and I think that helps, but it doesn't completely eliminate her NT emotional response to the perceived rejection. I don't blame her for that - it is how she is wired (don't want to be a hypocrite - my own wiring has caused issues).

The best work around I have is only available now that we know about AS. I observe more, and when this happens, she speaks up more. I respond with words and by doing the touching myself. Sometimes, I can position myself to allow her to do it after the fact. Bottom line, I cannot entirely the initial feeling of rejection she has when I pull away, but I can overcome it by giving her an increased and polar opposite sense of affection, if that makes sense. I sort of try to "love her out of it." It's so hard to verbalize these things sometimes, even for me.

You have really good perspective on all this so early after diagnosis. Hopefully it can become something accepted fully, with ways to communicate the different needs. In my experience, when in that kind of "zone" of acceptance, it can be a kind of joyful and funny thing, something that is handled with some humor.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

For me it is the stomach, head, or anywhere if by surprise. I don't think eye contact alone would be sufficient warning. Maybe a signal like a wink could work, but those are easy to miss. Certainly better than nothing, though. I still wish she could say, "Hey hon, can we snuggle now?" Then I could do make it happen in a way that doesn't freak me out. Again, has nothing to do with her.

We tried working on a signal for public situations when I need to shut up too. Unfortunately, before my mind kicks in, the first thing outta my mouth was, "Why are you hitting me?" Then I would get, "Oh yeah - that is the secret signal to shut up." It's not really been working.

But I am trying my old man's tried and true "toughen up and just deal with it" advice. Yeah, I don't like being touched sometimes, but lately I have just been biting my tongue when my wife initiates. Then I try to re-position her in a more comfortable/tolerable way. It isn't a perfect coping mechanism, but it really isn't always about what we as aspies/ASD's want/need. I know we talk about getting NT's to understand us better and managing their expectations, and I know some of us have more difficulty in accommodating NT needs than others, but for the sake of my marriage I try to just suck it up when I can. She's worth it, even if I am feeling anxious, sweaty, and near explosion, I just tell myself that I'll live, and I need to stop being a weenie (no one else here is a weenie - just something I tell myself as a motivator sometimes to "man up" for the wife's sake).

Are you saying, if it was possible, you would prefer never to be touched?

About the signal, it evidently has to be something without coming into contact with your person. Maybe if your wife pulls out a compact mirror or something from her purse could be a hint for you - it's big enough movement for your peripheral vision, but you'd have to remember that that is the signal. Would something like that work?

 

[icesyckel]

Are you saying, if it was possible, you would prefer never to be touched?

About the signal, it evidently has to be something without coming into contact with your person. Maybe if your wife pulls out a compact mirror or something from her purse could be a hint for you - it's big enough movement for your peripheral vision, but you'd have to remember that that is the signal. Would something like that work?

I dont mind being touched per se, just in certain places or without warning. I think the latter has to do with anxiety about the potential for contact with a no-fly zone. I dunno really.

As for visual signals, with work and practice,
It might work.

 

[icesyckel]

Tha

You have really good perspective on all this so early after diagnosis. Hopefully it can become something accepted fully, with ways to communicate the different needs. In my experience, when in that kind of "zone" of acceptance, it can be a kind of joyful and funny thing, something that is handled with some humor.

Thanks. Yeah, I was only recently Dx'd, but the problems hAve always been there. Over time I have learned to mask many of them and function pretty well, but my wife is around me at home when I expect to be able to dispense with "the masqueerade," if you will. It's not fair to her, but I can't keep it up at home too. Still, having the Dx now gives her a world of research that shes been reading explaining how none of this is her fault. That has helped immensely.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Tha


Thanks. Yeah, I was only recently Dx'd, but the problems hAve always been there. Over time I have learned to mask many of them and function pretty well, but my wife is around me at home when I expect to be able to dispense with "the masqueerade," if you will. It's not fair to her, but I can't keep it up at home too. Still, having the Dx now gives her a world of research that shes been reading explaining how none of this is her fault. That has helped immensely.

I'm hoping that now she will educate herself about Aspergers so you can be more comfortable at home. I didn't know much myself, but being on this site has helped me greatly understand Aspies more - maybe joining this site could help your wife too, it's a good place for support. NT's and Aspies sure have different ways of communicating. That's why I believe this thread is so important so both NT and Aspie views on communication can be discussed and maybe some problems can be either solved or at best understood.

 

[icesyckel]

I'm hoping that now she will educate herself about Aspergers so you can be more comfortable at home. I didn't know much myself, but being on this site has helped me greatly understand Aspies more - maybe joining this site could help your wife too, it's a good place for support. NT's and Aspies sure have different ways of communicating. That's why I believe this thread is so important so both NT and Aspie views on communication can be discussed and maybe some problems can be either solved or at best understood.

Ill certainly mention it to her. Im reAlly wanting to focus more on me though. Its my philosophy that I have to focus on myself, because I cant really control others. I try to plant seeds where fruit can grow, so to speak. I trust my wife to do the same, but a suggestion never hurts.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Ill certainly mention it to her. Im reAlly wanting to focus more on me though. Its my philosophy that I have to focus on myself, because I cant really control others. I try to plant seeds where fruit can grow, so to speak. I trust my wife to do the same, but a suggestion never hurts.

I've never been married, but I truly think in an NT/Aspie relationship both partners should be involved trying to learn about each other. It seems from what I've read that communication problems are at the root of divorces in these relationships. If I may ask, what do you mean by focusing more on yourself?
(There's quite a few books on Aspies. I'm wondering if there's any books that Aspies could read regarding the needs of NT's.)

 

[Ste11aeres]

I've never been married, but I truly think in an NT/Aspie relationship both partners should be involved trying to learn about each other. It seems from what I've read that communication problems are at the root of divorces in these relationships. If I may ask, what do you mean by focusing more on yourself?
(There's quite a few books on Aspies. I'm wondering if there's any books that Aspies could read regarding the needs of NT's.)

From the context, it sounds like he means focusing more on increasing his own knowledge/understanding of things, rather than hoping to make his wife increase her knowledge/understanding of things.

 

[icesyckel]

From the context, it sounds like he means focusing more on increasing his own knowledge/understanding of things, rather than hoping to make his wife increase her knowledge/understanding of things.

Right - this^. I can only control and change me, not other people. Heck, focusing on me is a full time job. I trust my wife to reciprocate. If I didn't, then marrying her was a bad idea, lol.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Right - this^. I can only control and change me, not other people. Heck, focusing on me is a full time job. I trust my wife to reciprocate. If I didn't, then marrying her was a bad idea, lol.

Good point.

 

[Mattymatt]

It is possible to retrain your mind to some degree. I used to have a fear of certain high pitched grinding sounds but kept exposing myself to them. While doing this, I would tell myself that there is nothing to fear. Eventually, I overcame.

 

[aj]

AN ASPIE QUESTION.

I just watched "Adam". The ending makes me sad. Back when I asked how Aspies felt "love", this movie covers that question. To any Aspie who has watched this movie "Adam", is the movie portraying in real life how an Aspie "feels" love? How the main male Aspie felt and was able to communicate how he felt about the female NT and the reason he wanted her to come to California with him, the way he showed and verbalized his "love" was the reason the relationship fell apart. Is the movie correct? How does an Aspie actually feel about someone they love? Is an Aspie able to "feel" love like an NT, but just can't verbalize that love?

I like the sound of this film, the way i am with someone i love i go too far i think. For example, i met my ex girlfriend 2012 i was set up with, (i never been able to get a girlfriend on my own they were all set ups) i kept mentioning how she made me feel, how happy she made me, how much i love her ect... I could not hold back what i wanted to tell her and she told me to shut up. I did feel hurt because it was hard to tell her but i wanted her to know. I would give her anything she wanted and always done my best. I Finnish work and go to see her and she would be there with her ex, she said they are best friends so i didn't say anything and let her see him. I told my brothers friend who new her and they told me to sort him out and shes cheating on me. I didn't want to fight and i didn't want to leave her so i didn't do anything. I was a state and had meltdowns because i didn't know what to do. I hurt my hands and head, i told her more and more on how much i loved her....i was desperate for her to stay with me but she split up with me 2 weeks after. I had my last relationship after that in 2013 and it was almost the same again. I try too hard for them and give them anything they ask for. My last ex said I'm too nice to be with which i don't understand, being really nice is a good thing right?

I try to explain best as i can and i know i don't understand how to be in relationships or what to do which its similar with me and social. Relationships is not for me and its better for me to stick by myself and do the things i enjoy

 

[Ylva]

No, it's not. "Really nice" can be really overwhelming.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I like the sound of this film, the way i am with someone i love i go too far i think. For example, i met my ex girlfriend 2012 i was set up with, (i never been able to get a girlfriend on my own they were all set ups) i kept mentioning how she made me feel, how happy she made me, how much i love her ect... I could not hold back what i wanted to tell her and she told me to shut up. I did feel hurt because it was hard to tell her but i wanted her to know. I would give her anything she wanted and always done my best. I Finnish work and go to see her and she would be there with her ex, she said they are best friends so i didn't say anything and let her see him. I told my brothers friend who new her and they told me to sort him out and shes cheating on me. I didn't want to fight and i didn't want to leave her so i didn't do anything. I was a state and had meltdowns because i didn't know what to do. I hurt my hands and head, i told her more and more on how much i loved her....i was desperate for her to stay with me but she split up with me 2 weeks after. I had my last relationship after that in 2013 and it was almost the same again. I try too hard for them and give them anything they ask for. My last ex said I'm too nice to be with which i don't understand, being really nice is a good thing right?

I try to explain best as i can and i know i don't understand how to be in relationships or what to do which its similar with me and social. Relationships is not for me and its better for me to stick by myself and do the things i enjoy

I don't understand what your last gf meant by being "too nice". Don't ever change that part of you. What girl wouldn't want a nice guy? Anyone who hears that line, it's total rubbish and that person isn't worth your time.

What you may want to think about is you might be "letting the cat out of the bag" too soon (so to speak) in regards to your feelings and the girl might be getting "overloaded" (for lack of a better word). Speaking for myself, showing feelings is very hard for me so if someone were to lay all of their feelings out at once I would be overwhelmed. Maybe take things a little slower next time.

Something else - I don't like the word "shut up". If your past gf was talking to you that way, move on (you deserve better than that - even if that means being alone). In my book, that's verbal abuse and I wouldn't stand for it.

 

[Mattymatt]

I don't understand what your last gf meant by being "too nice". Don't ever change that part of you. What girl wouldn't want a nice guy? Anyone who hears that line, it's total rubbish and that person isn't worth your time.

What you may want to think about is you might be "letting the cat out of the bag" too soon (so to speak) in regards to your feelings and the girl might be getting "overloaded" (for lack of a better word). Speaking for myself, showing feelings is very hard for me so if someone were to lay all of their feelings out at once I would be overwhelmed. Maybe take things a little slower next time.

Something else - I don't like the word "shut up". If your past gf was talking to you that way, move on (you deserve better than that - even if that means being alone). In my book, that's verbal abuse and I wouldn't stand for it.

There is no such thing as being too nice, I am a nice guy and it usually goes over well. What does not work is if you will sacrifice your own needs every time in favor of hers. She will lose respect for you and become concerned about being too clingy. Also, don't define yourself solely by your partner ... I made that mistake and it's neither good for her nor you. There is no harm in occasionally asserting your own needs. A lot of people mistake kindness for weakness. If you are strong and secure in yourself, it will show.

I don't particularly like the words, "shut up," either. Yep, it's verbal abuse ... cut and dry.